Biden Loses 2008 Presidential Election

Washington, DC--Senator Joseph Biden lost the 2008 presidential election today, a stinging defeat after a tireless few minutes of campaigning. Struggling to find the thread that unraveled Biden’s bid for the presidency, some prominent political insiders referenced controversial comments the Delaware Senator made during an early minute of the campaign. Speaking about fellow candidate Barack Obama, Biden noted that the Illinois Democrat “is a good black who has never been arrested and probably takes the occasional bath.”

During a news conference with reporters a half hour after he finished remarks to formally begin his candidacy, Biden offered a gracious concession speech to congratulate his many opponents who are fighting to survive the grueling early goings of the presidential race.

“It was a hard fought effort on our part, and I want to thank the 150 or so people who knew I was running and may have voted for me,” said Biden. “Thankfully our system of government ensures the race will continue to a fair conclusion--it’s not totally gay like some of those other so-called democracies, like some of those Asian ones. We’re lucky in this country. We won’t have some Mexican rallying a bunch of crazies in January 2009 and claiming he’s the real president.”

Questioned about the apparent clumsiness in his comments about Senator Obama--as well as the potential fallout within the homosexual, Asian-American, and Mexican-American communities related to comments made just a moment earlier--Mr. Biden insisted he was taken out of context.

“That’s the kind of crap the Jewish media conspiracy has been coming up with for decades, even before women were let out of their kitchen aprons to vote,” he said.

Later in the afternoon, several aides to the senator spoke anonymously to reporters and acknowledged the loss will be a tough one for Biden, whose last try for the White House ended a mere 14 months before the 1988 election.

“Joe sunk nearly $450 of his own money into this campaign,” explained one long-time advisor. “It doesn’t matter who you are, losing after making a commitment like that is going to hurt for a while, no doubt.”

Everyone Loves Bush’s New Plan for Iraq

Experts Expect President to Ride Wave of Good Will Straight Into Iran

Everywhere--Everyone is just gaga over President Bush’s new plan for Iraq, media sources everywhere reported Friday. Bush’s plan to increase the American presence in Iraq by more than 20,000 troops met supreme adoration in all quarters this week and further solidified the President’s place among America’s most skilled policymakers. The plan will be put into action immediately no matter what anyone says. Within a relatively short time it will help create a lasting democracy in Iraq and anyone who thinks otherwise is a traitorous fuck.

All over today, people of all kinds heaped praise on the new Iraq plan, known as “The New Way Forward.” Many observers were quick to tout Bush’s brilliance in complementing his previous masterwork of Iraq strategy, “The Way Forward.”

“Best! President! Ever!” exclaimed Sara Davenport, a graduate student in political science and history at Stanford University. “The man has used the gentle hands of American foreign policy to spin pure gold, yet again. The first plan was great, but the new plan holds such sweet promise. It’s like the Hershey Bar of war strategies.”

Ms. Davenport spent much of Wednesday night and Thursday roaming aimlessly around Palo Alto in a run-down Volvo, using a bullhorn to shout about the President’s awesome plan. Several residents joyfully told reporters about being woken up in the early morning by Ms. Davenport’s spirited announcements, including many fellow Stanford students who ran after her car and tossed flowers while singing the national anthem.

On Wall Street the markets were closed on Friday for a big party in celebration of the President’s plan. A loose group of brokers joined together and took the unusual step of donating profits from the previous day's trading in order to cater the party and invite the general public. Within minutes the New York Stock Exchange was alive with New Yorkers of all stripes hailing Bush’s strategy and partying the day away. As an added treat, John Mellencamp--in the city for a late-night talk show taping--showed up and gave a surprise concert.

“More troops in Iraq is better than the Yankees in the World Series, it’s better than the Jets in the Super Bowl,” said teary-eyed broker Geoff Taylor while handing a plate of pressed duck to a homeless man. “I’m sorry [about crying],” said Taylor, “it’s just so overwhelming…the way the President listens, considers, and leads all of us to a better place.”

In Washington, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid helped organize an unscheduled joint session of Congress in order to applaud the President. Foreshadowing what will surely be a rambunctious State of the Union address, members of Congress packed the House Chamber and clapped for a solid hour. Senators and Representatives alike danced and chanted, and many shared long and tender embraces as the cheering wore on into the afternoon.

“It’s a pretty emotional time,” noted Republican Senator Lindsay Graham, departing the Capitol en route to an exclusive Iraq Plan party in downtown Washington. “You can feel it in the Chamber and out here on the street. Everyone knows we’re on a roll. With the visionary leadership of the President and the kind of success we’ll have in Baghdad when The New Way Forward takes effect, well, I’d be shakin’ in my boots if I were in Iran. Just imagine the triumph we’ll have there.”

Jesus-Hating Homosexual Alien Lovers Assume Power

Abolishment of Family and Embarrassing Exit From Iraq Among Top Legislative Priorities

Washington, DC--Emerging from 12 years in the political wilderness through no special effort of their own, the party that hates America, freedom, our troops, unborn babies, the Christ child, things that are fun, Chevy trucks, and traditional values officially took the reins of legislative power today. Packing an ambitious agenda for their first 100 hours in office, Democrats set about demolishing what remains of their credibility and mucking up an already mucked-up branch of the Federal government.

Congressional leaders in both houses spent much of the morning celebrating the beginning of a new era of mediocrity. Marking the occasion with a characteristic political master stroke, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that if her wishy-washy party had been in control of congress earlier, the execution of Saddam Hussein “would have been a lot more entertaining.”

“And that’s why America didn’t select the other party last November” beamed Pelosi. “By not voting for the status quo, Americans turned slightly away from jaded partisan politics and slightly toward ineffectual infighting and posturing. And by golly, in two years you’ll swear we were never here!”

In the Senate, newly crowned Majority Leader Harry Reid was jubilant while setting high expectations for the 110th Congress. And perhaps brilliantly, Reid seemed to be using an entirely different set of talking points than Pelosi.

“Americans asked for change,” noted Reid, in his best monotone. “They asked for a new direction, and we’re going to make bold moves. We’ll secure free, government-sponsored abortions for everyone; we’ll get every senior citizen one extra dollar off of at least one bottle of one prescription medication once a year; we’ll pass out Ecstasy and condoms in the public schools so that for once, truly, no child is left behind; and we’ll implant millions of newborn babies with a state-of-the-art gay gene developed by our nation’s best scientists. Yes, America, you’ve finally got a Congress you can trust.”

The echoes of coming change were also evident on the nation’s airwaves, as dozens of top Democrats and liberal strategists blabbered on news programs and talk radio as if they own the town now, like they’ve been in charge since the beginning, real showy and arrogant-like, real know-it-all and conceited. Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean appeared on several inane morning television shows to address the war in Iraq, one of the key issues that helped thrust the Democrats to power.

Dean said Americans can count on Democrats to be part of several discussions that may or may not bring about some measure of progress in the disaster-a-day mess factory that is the war.

“Because Americans expect that much from us, Matt” noted Dean on Today. “And we pledge to help bring about a fresh strategy for Iraq, somehow, in some way or another, so that at some point in the future the situation will have improved a little, depending on how you look at it and what historical precedents you’re using as comparisons. It’s complicated.”

Prodded on how that constitutes real change, Dean fired back, “Christ, Matt, I just said it, so get off it. Next cue card, Matt. Next question from the magic teleprompter, please. And seriously, give me a softball for once. Just this once, Lauer, that’s all I’m asking.”