Jesus Christ Is a Republican

In a statement released today by Jesus Christ, the Son of God ended decades of speculation and announced He considers Himself aligned with the Republican party. The surprise statement blindsided everyone on Earth and dominated news coverage for several hours.

“After much deliberation with Myself and the Lord, My Father, I have decided to make public my allegiance to the Republican Party,” the statement read. “I think clarity on this issue will provide a number of benefits to all of My Father’s children, and it will help put to rest much rumor and gossip.”

“I realize that Democrats and members of lesser parties will be disappointed by My announcement,” the statement continued, “but the fact is I’m tired of overhearing conversations among liberals who seem to think I’m some kind of pussy. Enough is enough.”

After making clear that this will be His only statement on the matter, and that He has no plans for a return trip to Earth “anytime soon,” Mr. Christ spelled out some of the reasons why He prefers the GOP. The statement’s content makes it clear that the Messiah has been following recent political debates in America:

On the question of torture, for example, I think it should be obvious that I support the efforts of the previous American administration. A great many pinheads down under assume I would take a different path, but the fact is Dick Cheney was right to go after the Muslim traitors by any means necessary. When you get up here, ask anyone. I don’t fuck around.

Health care is another obvious issue where true Republicans have it right. Regular Americans should not be held financially responsible for the care of others. Lord knows America does not need to be dragged toward socialism. Let the uninsured pray unto Me and take care of themselves.

These specific issues aside, I think it’s clear that Republicans have done a better job reminding Americans about Me, championing Me, and making sure I’m front and center in their efforts to make themselves superior to others. I support those efforts with all of My heart. Sadly, I can’t say the same for Democrats.

The statement closed with a rallying cry for Republicans, many of whom are in the dumps after consecutive electoral defeats. “Be not mindful of the haters,” said Christ, “you can come back from the dead.”

Reactions to the statement followed a diverse but predictable course. Republican supporters of Mr. Christ bragged loudly all day long and would not shut up about it. Democrats and other non-Republicans who believe in Jesus spent the day moping and questioning the statement’s authenticity. Non-Christians wondered when regular programming would resume, and several atheists ridiculed the Messiah for the odd and ineffective timing of His announcement.

“It’s not even 6 months after a presidential inauguration,” said Kelly Riddlethorn, an atheist in Madison, WI. “Talk about a weird time to drop the bomb. One can only wonder about the wizards in charge of His PR.”

Television and online news sources buzzed after the statement was released. Fox News Channel’s popular personalities spent most of the morning dancing and pouring champagne all over each other. The network’s scrolling ticker read simply, “In your face, bitches!” By contrast, well-known left-wing websites such as The Huffington Post were noticeably quiet and gloomy, posting only a few half-baked missives about “conspiracy” and “massive hypocrisy.”

As usual, neither Mr. Christ nor representatives from Heaven answered requests for further comment. While millions of Americans looked skyward all day for additional Word from their Savior, few experts predict a second missive. Whether or not another statement arrives, it seems clear that Americans should expect Jesus Christ to vote a straight Republican ticket.