Poll Finds Angry Voters Angrier Than Ever

Enraged Voters Convinced Nearly Everything Sucks, Plagued by Thoughts of Self Abuse

A poll released Thursday by the Atlas Center for Public Polling found that America’s angry voters have grown angrier over the last month. Researchers talked with nearly 3,000 angry voters and documented unprecedented levels of pure rage. For the first time, more than half of America’s angry voters classified themselves as the angriest they have ever been, and nearly one-third claimed to be more furious than anyone can possibly believe.

At issue for enraged voters is nearly everything, which many view as sucking with incredible intensity. More angry voters than ever before now say everything “seriously sucks,” “sucks like crazy,” or “sucks so bad it’s ridiculous.” Nearly 21 percent of respondents are so angry they “can’t even fucking talk about it.”

According to the poll, the federal government is chief among angry voters’ specific irritants. Nearly 88 percent of those surveyed view the government as an out-of-control monster bent on bankrupting the nation. Economic issues such as the ongoing housing slump and high unemployment rate also loom large in angry voters’ minds. Other top concerns include the abolishment of freedom by President Obama, the takeover of America’s health care system by Muslim Liberation Theologians, recent changes to the judges’ table on American Idol, and the conspiratorial deconstruction of the Constitution by socialist homosexuals from Hollywood.

Political affiliations reported by poll respondents were largely unsurprising. Nearly 80 percent of angry voters identified themselves as Republican or independent, with many of these voters expressing active engagement or interest in the so-called Tea Party. However, the survey also included angry Democrats, several of whom admitted extreme frustration over the fact that Mr. Obama has yet to change everything for the better, prevent them from getting sick, help them get a job, place mints on their pillows at night, or pay their mortgage.

In addition to reporting record levels of anger and near total disillusionment with the state of everything, many angry voters surprised pollsters with unprompted admissions of unhealthy behavior. While no survey questions addressed the topic, 31 percent of angry respondents said their fury frequently causes them to engage in binge drinking and “no-condom, angry-sex parties.” Another 40 percent blurted out that they eat nothing but potato chips and soda during volatile periods known as “rage cycles.”

Perhaps more seriously, numerous respondents reported being plagued by disturbing thoughts of self abuse. For example, one voter confessed to being so infuriated by “all the liberal garbage being crammed down our throats” that he often fantasizes about “fist fighting with a brick wall until I can no longer feel my hands.” Another man explained that “Obama’s bailouts and lies” make him want to “eat a pile of broken glass.”

While most respondents who shared self-abusive thoughts were men, several women voters acknowledged disturbing thought patterns. As one distraught woman told researchers at the Atlas Center, “Ever since our country got taken away, I wake up every morning and fight the urge to waterboard myself with toilet water.”

The Atlas Center plans to conduct one more poll of angry voters before the November elections. Researchers are considering expanding the questions to catch more specific data about the mental health effects of voter anger, assuming respondents are calm and healthy enough to respond.