Obama to Collect Guns, Freedom, and Money on Monday

Washington—The White House announced today that all guns, freedom, and money will be collected for the government’s use this coming Monday. Residents in all areas of the country are expected to hand over their dignity if they can spare it.

Collections will begin at 10:00 a.m., Eastern time, and the process will last as long as is necessary to ruin our country. White House officials said they hope the nation’s back will be broken by the middle of next week.

News of the impending collections stunned millions of Americans who spend their lives in a liberal fantasy of puffy clouds and cake. Many of these gullible pinheads actually asked whether it was April Fools’ Day.

However, not all Americans were caught off guard. Heavy consumers of right-wing media, staunch supporters of gun rights, and people who hate communism have long predicted this moment. These patriots spent the afternoon implementing the first stages of heroic resistance.

Predictably, news analysts and talking heads lost their collective shit by noon. Panicky alert banners and crawling tickers blazed on every channel, and the parade of morons on cable television blathered on and on like you wouldn’t believe. Seriously, Wolf Blitzer Would. Not. Shut. Up.

Despite the public outcry and intense media attention, administration officials have so far refused answer inquiries regarding the collections, issuing only the following terse statement: “You should have seen this coming, comrades. We expect full compliance.”

For the Record

Anti-Christmas Suicide Bomber Destroys Nativity Display

Beaumont, TX--A suicide bomber struck a plastic nativity scene on the lawn outside Fran’s Good Old Consignment Shop on Tuesday morning. Police and government officials blamed the incident on anti-Christmas forces known to have infiltrated the region. The attack killed only the bomber, although witnesses said a wounded squirrel fled the scene.

Witnesses reported seeing the attacker run out of the woods adjacent to Fran’s shop at approximately 6:00 a.m. They said the bomber proceeded directly to the illuminated display and detonated the explosives, pausing briefly to yell, “Suck up this egg nog, Jesus Kringle!”

Christmas violence in this area of Texas has been minimal in recent years, but officials vowed to thoroughly investigate the crime. One police captain said he feared the bombing would spark retaliation by pro-Christmas fighters in the area, a development that could make Beaumont an active theater in this year’s War on Christmas.

At press time, no group claimed responsibility for the attack. Thus it was not known whether the attack was planned or carried out by established Happy Holidays organizations.

Uninterested in claims of responsibility, pro-Christmas leaders vowed revenge for the attack in the name of Jesus Christ. Thousands of people posted comments at pro-Christmas websites, many of whom called for merciless annihilation of anti-Christmas “monsters” and “blood-sucking devils” everywhere.

Predictably, Fox News personality Bill O’Reilly highlighted the incident on his Tuesday broadcast of The O’Reilly Factor. In a discussion with Karl Rove, O’Reilly said the attack on Christmas was typical of “Obama’s commies” and “everyone else we hate.” In response, Mr. Rove shoved five hot dogs down his throat.

Wednesday began quietly in Beaumont, as its proud citizenry vowed to go on with life as usual. Police patrols were stepped up, and government officials coordinated with state investigators trained in responding to Christmas violence. Officials promised to release pertinent information as it becomes available.

Heavy Rotation Friday: This Is a Job for a Stupid Man

We had a memorable staff outing last weekend in Baltimore. Thanks to the glory of the Internets, we get to relive a few moments.

As good as they were 15 years ago? Absolutely.

Book Review: Going Rogue

Love her or loathe her, Sarah Palin hasn’t gone anywhere. The one-time governor of Alaska turned vice presidential candidate wants to be certain her last words aren’t from a speech during the failed 2008 campaign, or the enthralling address she delivered when she quit her day job less than a year later.

In her new book, Going Rogue, Mrs. Palin offers up a scintillating tale of intrigue, romance, gritty determination, heartburn, regret, rampant leftism, freedom fighters, enormous and heartbreaking risks, a family pushed to the edge, and enduring faith in the face of heathens. It’s a coming-of-age tale in a world where up is down, left is right, right is right, right is repulsive, dumb-as-pucks is the new hip, and every woman is responsible for her own dreams taking wing. Weaving an unforgettable cast of characters in a tapestry of undulating political calculation, Mrs. Palin leads readers by the nose to a bouquet of revelation as fresh as wild Alaskan air, and by the time it’s over her readers are convinced this hockey mom will darn toot your tootin’ engine up to the glorious sky fettered with the love of Jesus and our Lord God on high in a shower of golden sunbeams. You betcha.

This unforgettable and life-changing book serves as a reintroduction for all of us to the amazing Mrs. Palin. Taking aim at her detractors with razor sharp wit, Palin acts as the judge and jury, setting the record straight and taking names, talking straight, living straight, straight as an arrow in the wind, piercing the hearts of those who hate America and would have her apologize for her hard-working values, or for being moved by the sight of the American flag rippling in the wind on Christmas morning.

Palin’s prose is vibrant and elegantly paced, full of spit, vinegar, verve, and her unique brand of homespun, feisty wisdom. Say what you will about Sarah Palin, but one thing you can’t say after reading Going Rogue is that she’s not an American citizen. Seriously, I was like, Hey! Watch the fuck out! Sarah Palin is going to wipe out the liberals in this country like a tidal wave. She’s going to make them eat the dirt in the ground on which she treads all the way to the presidency, which is where she should be if America had any sense, if Obama hadn’t lied about her and her children for an entire year, and if that awful Katie Couric hadn’t gotten in the way with her gotcha socialist media agenda.

In turns both beautiful and inspiring, Palin gives readers an up close and personal, no-nonsense telling of her life. We learn of her all-American childhood; her apple-pie romance with husband Todd; her acceptance to Yale and Harvard; her time studying abroad (skipping France, of course); her own take on her first National Book Award nomination; her improbable first run for public office; all the babies she gave birth to for the glory of God; why Levi Johnston can go to hell; how the media tried to ruin her life with their awful insistence that she make sense when she talks; her plan for America, assuming the Democrat party doesn’t spend us back to the stone age; and why she is, in fact, not too stupid to breathe air.

Ignorance isn’t just strength; it’s the blessing of the Lord for America’s time in the spotlight, a spotlight shining on the rest of us from Alaska, switched on by the inestimable, indefatigable, indispensable Sarah Palin. In this devastating and humbling memoir, Palin leads us to a better understanding of the complex ways we’re going to the places where we’re getting to. Buy this book. Save your life.

Obama and Afghanistan: The Lost Proposals

Among the news stories circulating this week are reports that President Obama may be close to a decision on whether to increase U.S. involvement in Afghanistan. Numerous outlets have reported that the President continues to weigh proposals regarding troop buildup and counterinsurgency, but that a decision may be announced as soon as Thanksgiving. Top Obama advisers are said to support a plan that would send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan, while others in the administration remain skeptical of increased engagement. It is not clear what option, if any, the President favors.

In any case, it appears Obama’s lengthy review of competing plans and viewpoints is nearing its end. We got to wondering: What about the proposals that didn’t make the cut—the long-shot ideas that didn't survive the first round? We then put zero effort into finding out what these lost proposals were all about. That said, following are our best guesses on the proposals Obama has rejected. Cheers.

Institution of World War I-Era Tactics. As part of an armed forces “retro phase,” the plan called for turn-back-the-clock uniforms, a temporary ban on the use of new-fangled technology, renewed emphasis on the bayonet, and the immediate construction of fortified trenches to protect against the artillery fire of advancing Taliban armies.

Celebrity Regiments. To pep American troops and impress Taliban fighters into immediate submission, celebrities including Regis Philbin, Sarah Palin, Jon Stewart, Orly Taitz, and Keith Olbermann were to lead star-studded divisions into glorious battle. The proposal guaranteed the government exclusive rights to a reality television show called Stars for Stars and Stripes.

Mittens for Everyone. Everyone in Afghanistan, man or woman, boy or girl, Taliban or Viet Cong…free mittens. No strings attached.

CNN Everywhere All the Time. Techies and media consultants in the White House proposed this plan to broadcast CNN exclusively at all times across Afghanistan. A surge of high-definition televisions without off switches were to be placed throughout the country, meaning the likes of Wolf Blitzer would never shut up, ever. Supporters of the plan promised that within days the Afghan population would be drooling and completely compliant with the imposition of American-style democracy. Taliban fighters would drop their arms and surrender, assuming they hadn’t already scratched their faces off.

Target Bombs. Not carpet bombs, not targeted bombs, but Target bombs. This plan called for Target stores from North America to be airlifted in one piece, through spectacular displays of military engineering and Air Force prowess, and dropped on enemy strongholds in Afghanistan. The enormous balls on this tactic were predicted to teabag legions of Taliban fighters to dust, ending the war within a month. But Obama said no.

Heavy Rotation Friday

We accidentally took the month off. Whoops. In any case, the rock is forthcoming. Have a spooky Halloween.

Advocacy Group Urges an End to Health Care

The Society Against All Health Care for All Americans has been at the fringes of the health care “debate” for many years. So it’s no surprise they’ve been active over the last few months, mocking Americans with characteristic cynicism. Yes, we agree they’re terrible. They’re also mildly amusing. Here’s their latest press release.

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Ending Is Better Than Mending: End Health Care Now

Washington, DC—The Society Against All Health Care for All Americans (SAAHCAA) once again announce its complete disinterest in and vibrant loathing for health care and health care reform in America.

Americans have created one of the most wasteful systems on the planet in the interest of caring for themselves when they get the sniffles. This monument of crap promotes inefficiency and drains precious resources in the best of times. Its enormous sucking action has never felt so imposing as in our current climate, with our economy limping away from one the worst crises it has ever faced.

It is time to stop the bleeding and end health care. SAAHCAA believes that $2,000,000,000,000 a year is too much to pay for health care of any kind for anyone. Redistributing (yes, redistributing) these resources could yield greater benefits for a greater portion of the U.S. population. Once health care is abolished, SAAHCAA’s ideas on what to purchase with the newly liberated funds (let’s henceforth call them “freedom bucks”) include the following:

• Massive cocaine parties.
• Roll after roll of gold leaf toilet paper.
• Free tickets to the U2 360 Tour.
• Cheerios (for snacking).
• A moon bounce in every town, a kegerator in every home.
• The dismantling of Fox News Channel.
• Marbles.

The time for talking and making eloquent pronouncements and arguing and frightening morons and screaming like little babies is over. The bright circus of controversy surrounding “health insurance reform” is entertaining but redundant. Just as frothing, gun-toting, illiterate village idiots at town hall meetings make for excellent television, spineless legislators and a too-cautious White House make for innocuous laws that masquerade as genuine reform. What, after all, is the point?

We urge Americans to cut their losses and end health care now. Hospitals, doctors offices, dental offices, and all the rest are depressing, smelly places. The sooner we stop our crying and complaining about this plan or that deductable, or this chronic disorder or that broken bone, the sooner the nation will be on the path to genuine health and wellness. Thank you and goodnight, bitches.