Friday, December 31, 2010

Goodbye 2010

We're not too sorry to see 2010 go. So as we close the shop to drink a few and ring in the new year, here's one of our favorite tracks of the year.

A staff outing to see this band in late summer ranks high on a list of the year's better moments. Cheers.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Pardoned Thanksgiving Turkeys Form Belligerent Anti-Christmas Regiment, Attack Pro-Christmas Forces

Warrior Birds Slaughtered in Their Only Battle

Lansing, MI—Hundreds of pardoned Thanksgiving turkeys are dead after a gruesome battle against pro-Christmas forces took place here Tuesday morning. The fighting occurred as both sides of the annual Christmas wars brace for a month of violent conflict.

The turkeys, pardoned from holiday chopping blocks by mayors and governors across the nation, converged for unknown reasons on a pro-Christmas enclave just west of Lansing. Witnesses say the turkeys gathered in wooded areas late Sunday night and gobbled vituperative anti-Christmas chants for hours.

By Monday the turkeys were silent, and perplexed residents assumed the birds had dispersed. However, just before dawn on Tuesday the turkeys charged out of the woods and launched a surprise attack on an encampment full of Christmas soldiers. Within moments the confused soldiers stumbled out of their tents to launch a sleepy counter attack and kill every turkey in the field.

Observers said the battle was over almost as soon it started.

“We took care of them pretty quickly—before several of us were really awake,” said one private in the victorious Christmas brigade. “Brave birds, but you can’t win a battle when you can’t shoot a gun.”

Brave or reckless, by all accounts the turkeys were completely ineffective in the field. Perhaps half of the birds charged into battle without a weapon. Dozens more trotted about in all directions as soon as the attack began, distracting and tackling fellow birds. Still other turkeys stood motionless and confused in the seconds before they were annihilated.

Two hours after making their rash attempt at glory in the War on Christmas, the lifeless turkeys were collected from the battlefield. Their happy opponents then worked throughout the morning to clean and process the birds for freezing, although a few were set aside for roasting on a charcoal grill within the camp.

By late afternoon commanders of the pro-Christmas regiment released a statement announcing their victory and the generous donation they will make to local food banks in time for Christmas.

As the statement read, “Thanks to this morning’s foolish but tasty enemies of Christmas, many of our less fortunate brothers and sisters will feast this holiday season.”

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Heavy Rotation the-Republicans-Are-About-to-Take-the-House Sunday

I'mma let you finish, but Will Oldham never looked so sexy.

Thanks to our Philadelphia correspondent.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Heavy Rotation Friday

Kid A turned 10 this month.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Poll Finds Angry Voters Angrier Than Ever

Enraged Voters Convinced Nearly Everything Sucks, Plagued by Thoughts of Self Abuse

A poll released Thursday by the Atlas Center for Public Polling found that America’s angry voters have grown angrier over the last month. Researchers talked with nearly 3,000 angry voters and documented unprecedented levels of pure rage. For the first time, more than half of America’s angry voters classified themselves as the angriest they have ever been, and nearly one-third claimed to be more furious than anyone can possibly believe.

At issue for enraged voters is nearly everything, which many view as sucking with incredible intensity. More angry voters than ever before now say everything “seriously sucks,” “sucks like crazy,” or “sucks so bad it’s ridiculous.” Nearly 21 percent of respondents are so angry they “can’t even fucking talk about it.”

According to the poll, the federal government is chief among angry voters’ specific irritants. Nearly 88 percent of those surveyed view the government as an out-of-control monster bent on bankrupting the nation. Economic issues such as the ongoing housing slump and high unemployment rate also loom large in angry voters’ minds. Other top concerns include the abolishment of freedom by President Obama, the takeover of America’s health care system by Muslim Liberation Theologians, recent changes to the judges’ table on American Idol, and the conspiratorial deconstruction of the Constitution by socialist homosexuals from Hollywood.

Political affiliations reported by poll respondents were largely unsurprising. Nearly 80 percent of angry voters identified themselves as Republican or independent, with many of these voters expressing active engagement or interest in the so-called Tea Party. However, the survey also included angry Democrats, several of whom admitted extreme frustration over the fact that Mr. Obama has yet to change everything for the better, prevent them from getting sick, help them get a job, place mints on their pillows at night, or pay their mortgage.

In addition to reporting record levels of anger and near total disillusionment with the state of everything, many angry voters surprised pollsters with unprompted admissions of unhealthy behavior. While no survey questions addressed the topic, 31 percent of angry respondents said their fury frequently causes them to engage in binge drinking and “no-condom, angry-sex parties.” Another 40 percent blurted out that they eat nothing but potato chips and soda during volatile periods known as “rage cycles.”

Perhaps more seriously, numerous respondents reported being plagued by disturbing thoughts of self abuse. For example, one voter confessed to being so infuriated by “all the liberal garbage being crammed down our throats” that he often fantasizes about “fist fighting with a brick wall until I can no longer feel my hands.” Another man explained that “Obama’s bailouts and lies” make him want to “eat a pile of broken glass.”

While most respondents who shared self-abusive thoughts were men, several women voters acknowledged disturbing thought patterns. As one distraught woman told researchers at the Atlas Center, “Ever since our country got taken away, I wake up every morning and fight the urge to waterboard myself with toilet water.”

The Atlas Center plans to conduct one more poll of angry voters before the November elections. Researchers are considering expanding the questions to catch more specific data about the mental health effects of voter anger, assuming respondents are calm and healthy enough to respond.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Eighteen Percent

You’re no doubt aware that a recent poll by The Pew Research Center for the People & the Press found that 18 percent of Americans now believe President Obama is a Muslim. The percentage of Americans who said the same thing in March of last year was just 11 percent. Unsurprisingly, the view is noticeably higher among Republicans, who clock in at 34 percent.

It’s interesting to note that while the number of Democrats who think Obama is a Muslim has not changed since March 2009, fewer Democrats said the president is a Christian. But let’s focus on that 18 percent for a moment. What else do they believe? Our best guesses are below.

Muslims are communists.

Communists are fascists, and fascists are socialists.

Glenn Beck is the Mayor of Television.

The Founding Fathers cared deeply about entrusting common Americans with the power to select their chief executive.

The Founding Fathers wore Santa Claus suits and gave out Freedom Presents every fourth of July.

Burger King's "DOUBLE CROISSAN'WICH with Sausage and Bacon" is a mid-morning snack.

Nancy Pelosi is controlled by a demon living inside of her.

Obama’s health care plan authorizes the government to deduct funds at will from all American bank accounts. The Department of Justice secured an exception for African Americans.

The Muslim faith was created by Osama Bin Laden in the 1980s.

Tom Cruise is a Mormon Scientist.

The New Black Panther Party is collaborating with Iranian President Hamid Karsai and the Taliban insurgents in Iraq to intimidate conservative American voters and undermine our democratic process.

Sarah Palin's public comments do not sound like the incessant yapping of a second-rate talk show host.

Uncle Sam was George Washington's brother.

Native Americans had it coming.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Just a Quick Reminder

That power comes from you.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Heavy Rotation Friday

Wake up with skills like this.