Monday, September 29, 2008

Couric and Palin Outtakes: The Unreleased Transcript

As you know by now, Katie Couric’s impressive interview with Sarah Palin aired last week and was subsequently posted on every blog imaginable. Can’t imagine why. Today we were excited to learn that CBS will release additional footage of Couric and Palin. Unfortunately, we have been unable to locate a leaked version of the footage, but we may have unearthed the transcript. It’s posted below, so enjoy. (Note: In the event that what we’ve found is bunk, this site seems to be a great inside source for Palin’s interactions with the media.)

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Couric: For several years a lot of attention has been paid to the notion of a burdened and stretched-thin middle class. Do you agree with those who say that our middle class is shouldering an undue burden, and if so, what remedies do you propose?

Palin: Oh, absolutely, Katie, America has a middle class and the state of the economy and job losses is an important concern for working families, what with the taxes people pay for corporations and the rising cost of fuel for livestock and how that has a ripple effect hitting our pocket books. Look, I took on the special interests in Alaska and what’s most important is that we curb all the spending in Washington right now, because it’s so out of control and this is crisis moment for America for so many reasons, and now Barack Obama is on the other side of that, and that’s what John McCain and I will change when we get elected to Washington. I pledge to take out the garbage spending and make sure families all have a vote that counts. One family, one vote.

Couric: Now that President Bush’s second term is winding to a close, what would you say are the top three differences between his presidency and that of former President Clinton?

Palin: Well, everything’s better now, which is the first thing I think we all outta know, is how the White House is a place of honor and integrity again and not filled with all of the sss…, ahh, the Democratic parts about Clinton’s presidency…that Barack Obama was fighting against and that President Bush was able to stop. I just want to say that Americans are smart and so they know these things. I don’t have to tell them or say it back to them! They know America has a lot of pride and we have the flag better now…better positioned in the global environment…the world stage that we’re a part of in our world. So that’s the top difference. That’s the number one better thing about where we are now.

Couric: Do you mean to suggest that Americans believe that the country is on the right track, as some might put it? What about polls that have for a while showed that a majority of Americans are unhappy with the current state of affairs?

Palin: Well, you know what I think about polls? I always say polls are a lot like Swiss cheese because both are full of holes [laughs]. I think polls only tell you a little bit about what Americans are thinking and that a lot of Americans are thinking that Americans are in a much better place after fighting for freedom and keeping Americans safe against those who are trying to destroy and kill us every day in this crisis mode that we are in.

You know, Katie, this is a complicated time full of challenges to Americans, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have the best workforce in the world or that Americans can’t do anything they put their minds to when they put them to it. They drink their milk, you know… they eat their Wheaties, like the commercial said. That’s what’s important. They have strong bones. That’s what we have to keep telling…you know…saying to everybody, which is different from what some of the elitists in the media might say…no offense to you…or... you know...your crew [laughs].

Couric: Finally, Governor, you have been the subject of a large amount of attention in recent weeks for perhaps obvious reasons. Some critics have suggested that the McCain campaign is purposefully restricting media access to you, and that such restrictions are evidence that you aren’t qualified to be vice present. How do you answer those charges?

Palin: Well, I understand that people have a lot of questions because I would too, and that’s fair. People have questions and that’s something people do all the time, and that’s natural…and it doesn’t make a person bad one. Now I’ll tell you this, Katie, that I don’t need to address the nasty critics, the ones who say that I have to answer questions more often or jump through some fancy hoop, because I think Americans know that’s silly, you know, I’m not lookin’ at poll numbers.

I would just say that not every American is from the Ivy League. Not every woman is a magician or the mother of the year, and I think that’s just part of my background, being a regular mom and a fighter, just someone that people on the internet don’t know how to deal with because I don’t hate everyone or travel around everywhere on vacation or think about foreign policy or other issues. I didn’t have parents who sent me around the world with a backpack full of cash, and maybe that’s hard for some people to deal with, but I’m confident that a lot of Americans will realize I’m just like them and see how that makes me qualified, because I’m so ready for this and I always have been, and always. I’m honored John McCain sees it this way, and I'm honored that he chose me, and I just think his judgment is so amazing and really speaks for itself because he has such a long and distinguished record of service and is an American hero, and so we really shouldn’t question him.

Couric: Well, you certainly seem at ease with your new role.

Palin: Oh, definitely! What I would say, Katie, is that America can feel assured that John McCain chose someone who will fight for them and bring America to the brink of greatness and prosperity and time to celebrate and good mornings in America, in the way Reagan did it to us, God rest his soul. I want Americans to know that they can get ready for John McCain and I to do the same thing to them every day. You can bet we’re going to make things right.

Couric: Thanks for speaking with us, Governor Palin.

Palin: Oh, my pleasure! Thank you, Charlie.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

McCain Campaign Will Allow Palin to Eat Regular Meals and Use Bathroom

Shift in Policy Cheered by Supporters

Washington, DC—The McCain campaign announced this morning that it will allow vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin to eat regular meals and use the bathroom whenever such needs arise. Campaign officials made the announcement shortly after firing a hail of rubber bullets at a group of reporters who had come within 200 feet of the Governor.

Criticized in recent days for keeping Palin on a tight leash, McCain advisers said their decision to offer Palin unrestricted access to food and restroom facilities proves her fitness for the vice presidency. Officials were also careful to note that the media is overrun with bloodthirsty sexists whose express mission is to destroy the candidacy of America’s last living hero.

“Let’s be honest,” said top McCain adviser Steve Schmidt. “The New York Times and Newsweek and Time and all the rest of the so-called journalists have it out for John McCain because his heroic life story threatens to expose their interest in ruining America, and they’re attacking Governor Palin because her child was born with a disability. These are the same reporters who think September 11th was a Republican hoax and that aliens live and breed among us. It’s about character assassination. It’s about confusion. Well, reporters can play that game if they want to, but Americans aren’t dumb enough to buy their nonsense.”

When reporters asked how these comments relate to loosening restrictions on Sarah Palin, Schmidt exploded.

“Oh, come off it!” Schmidt shouted. “What have I just been saying? What more do you need? Do you want to check her birth certificate? Do you want documentation that Governor Palin is not a witch? That she loves her children and her country? Am I supposed to offer some kind of reasonable assurance that Governor Palin has a rudimentary understanding of the major issues facing our nation? You people are shameless! You make me sick!”

Despite Schmidt’s confrontation with reporters, sources close to the campaign confirmed that Palin was allowed unrestricted bathroom access on Wednesday night. These sources were reasonably certain that Palin will be placed on a “free-feed” eating schedule as early as tomorrow. The changes caused many analysts to predict that Palin will be allowed access to a phone and computer by election day.

Palin supporters rejoiced at the news. At a rally outside an Ohio sausage and meat-packing plant, Republican voters were happy with the McCain campaign’s decision.

“That’s our girl Sarah,” exclaimed Sherry Brighton, a purchasing manager for the plant. “She’s going to shake up Washington! They’ll never know what hit ’em!”

“The haters can’t stop Sarah Palin,” added Bart Trussel, who’s worked as a meat grinder at the plant for 20 years. “The reporters talk about how Palin isn’t good enough to be vice president because she’s a woman. They’re afraid of how women can do things different, like when it comes to all the stuff the angry media like to control, like the economy and the gay agenda on TV and in the schools. They can't fool us, though, and that's what they never get. These same people who attack Palin can’t even figure out why some people don’t like to abort babies or eat salad for breakfast.”

Concluded Trussel, “The haters can attack Palin and be cruel all they want, but they’re gonna be sorry come election day.”

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Meltdown Awareness Day



















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Design commissioned by ATLS. Special thanks to the artist.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Heavy Rotation Friday

Thank you Mr. CEO!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Upcoming Claims From Camp McCain

Unless you watch Fox or the lamest of the lame MSM channels, you know by now that the McCain-Palin camp is taking heat for lying to a degree unprecedented in modern political campaigning. Respectable or not, the lying is a great distraction from the hilarious (though sadly effective) choice of Sarah Palin for the second slot on the GOP ticket. Unsurprisingly, lefties and the netroots have been wigging out about the McCain campaign’s tactics, claiming that the old man and the pretty lady are getting a pass from a spineless press corps, which is fair even though few people seem to care.

Perhaps chief among the McCain-Palin lies are the bogus “Bridge to Nowhere” claims pushed repeatedly by Palin while campaigning in places other than Alaska. Others lies are also popular, but we’re not sure if any of them matter. For example, on Monday McCain claimed to have invented fire in 1958. We thought this sounded preposterous, and indeed we found contrary explanations on the origins of fire as soon as we looked it up. But then we realized that fact checking is a pointless exercise—how can we disprove McCain’s claim when all we have as evidence against it are a few sentences at Wikipedia and long-established scientific fact? Besides, people want to believe John McCain is the original fireman. They love imagining him wearing a fireman’s helmet, brandishing his gigantic hose, and standing (moderately) tall with a Dalmatian or Sarah Palin at his side. It’s comforting.

All of this got us thinking: Wow, firemen have a tough job. Also: What other lies can we expect from McCain-Palin? Our best predictions are below:
  • Barack Obama plays hoops with celebrity terrorists every Sunday.
  • Every time Barack Obama steps out of public view he puts his arms around his entourage of swimsuit models and flips everyone off.
  • The McCain economic plan will cut the cost of gas in half forever.
  • Via robo-calls: Barack Obama is known to provide comfort and shelter to the people who murdered Jesus. Obama was brainwashed in this radical practice after he spent time in jail with Muslims for selling drugs and pornography to children.
  • Sarah Palin knows how to kill a moose to feed and clothe her family. Barack Obama would give moose more rights to life than unborn babies.
  • John McCain is 59 years old.
  • Barack Obama wants you to marry your same-sex dog. If you don’t believe that, just look at him. It’s scary.
  • America’s economic problems are the fault of the liberal press, who secretly worked with Democrats to design flawed finance laws to make Republicans look bad. Liberal media types are soulless monsters who hate regular people like you because you shop at Wal-Mart and like to eat regular food. The liberal press calls you “fat, Bible-thumping baby makers” and “dipshit hicks” in all of those fancy magazines you can’t buy at Cracker Barrel or read.
  • Sarah Palin’s voice is not annoying.
  • John McCain knows how to do a Google just fine.
  • John McCain doesn’t lie.
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Posted with thanks to Chuck T.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Obama Adopts Harsher Tone as Race Heats Up

Friday, September 12, 2008

Heavy Rotation Friday

Like seeing Jesus on Dateline.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

New Killer Star

As written in Sarah Palin's prepared remarks:
Starting in January, in a McCain-Palin administration, we're going to lay more pipelines ... build more new-clear plants ... create jobs with clean coal ... and move forward on solar, wind, geothermal, and other alternative sources.