McCain Campaign Will Allow Palin to Eat Regular Meals and Use Bathroom

Shift in Policy Cheered by Supporters

Washington, DC—The McCain campaign announced this morning that it will allow vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin to eat regular meals and use the bathroom whenever such needs arise. Campaign officials made the announcement shortly after firing a hail of rubber bullets at a group of reporters who had come within 200 feet of the Governor.

Criticized in recent days for keeping Palin on a tight leash, McCain advisers said their decision to offer Palin unrestricted access to food and restroom facilities proves her fitness for the vice presidency. Officials were also careful to note that the media is overrun with bloodthirsty sexists whose express mission is to destroy the candidacy of America’s last living hero.

“Let’s be honest,” said top McCain adviser Steve Schmidt. “The New York Times and Newsweek and Time and all the rest of the so-called journalists have it out for John McCain because his heroic life story threatens to expose their interest in ruining America, and they’re attacking Governor Palin because her child was born with a disability. These are the same reporters who think September 11th was a Republican hoax and that aliens live and breed among us. It’s about character assassination. It’s about confusion. Well, reporters can play that game if they want to, but Americans aren’t dumb enough to buy their nonsense.”

When reporters asked how these comments relate to loosening restrictions on Sarah Palin, Schmidt exploded.

“Oh, come off it!” Schmidt shouted. “What have I just been saying? What more do you need? Do you want to check her birth certificate? Do you want documentation that Governor Palin is not a witch? That she loves her children and her country? Am I supposed to offer some kind of reasonable assurance that Governor Palin has a rudimentary understanding of the major issues facing our nation? You people are shameless! You make me sick!”

Despite Schmidt’s confrontation with reporters, sources close to the campaign confirmed that Palin was allowed unrestricted bathroom access on Wednesday night. These sources were reasonably certain that Palin will be placed on a “free-feed” eating schedule as early as tomorrow. The changes caused many analysts to predict that Palin will be allowed access to a phone and computer by election day.

Palin supporters rejoiced at the news. At a rally outside an Ohio sausage and meat-packing plant, Republican voters were happy with the McCain campaign’s decision.

“That’s our girl Sarah,” exclaimed Sherry Brighton, a purchasing manager for the plant. “She’s going to shake up Washington! They’ll never know what hit ’em!”

“The haters can’t stop Sarah Palin,” added Bart Trussel, who’s worked as a meat grinder at the plant for 20 years. “The reporters talk about how Palin isn’t good enough to be vice president because she’s a woman. They’re afraid of how women can do things different, like when it comes to all the stuff the angry media like to control, like the economy and the gay agenda on TV and in the schools. They can't fool us, though, and that's what they never get. These same people who attack Palin can’t even figure out why some people don’t like to abort babies or eat salad for breakfast.”

Concluded Trussel, “The haters can attack Palin and be cruel all they want, but they’re gonna be sorry come election day.”