Upcoming Claims From Camp McCain

Unless you watch Fox or the lamest of the lame MSM channels, you know by now that the McCain-Palin camp is taking heat for lying to a degree unprecedented in modern political campaigning. Respectable or not, the lying is a great distraction from the hilarious (though sadly effective) choice of Sarah Palin for the second slot on the GOP ticket. Unsurprisingly, lefties and the netroots have been wigging out about the McCain campaign’s tactics, claiming that the old man and the pretty lady are getting a pass from a spineless press corps, which is fair even though few people seem to care.

Perhaps chief among the McCain-Palin lies are the bogus “Bridge to Nowhere” claims pushed repeatedly by Palin while campaigning in places other than Alaska. Others lies are also popular, but we’re not sure if any of them matter. For example, on Monday McCain claimed to have invented fire in 1958. We thought this sounded preposterous, and indeed we found contrary explanations on the origins of fire as soon as we looked it up. But then we realized that fact checking is a pointless exercise—how can we disprove McCain’s claim when all we have as evidence against it are a few sentences at Wikipedia and long-established scientific fact? Besides, people want to believe John McCain is the original fireman. They love imagining him wearing a fireman’s helmet, brandishing his gigantic hose, and standing (moderately) tall with a Dalmatian or Sarah Palin at his side. It’s comforting.

All of this got us thinking: Wow, firemen have a tough job. Also: What other lies can we expect from McCain-Palin? Our best predictions are below:

• Barack Obama plays hoops with celebrity terrorists every Sunday.
  
• Every time Barack Obama steps out of public view he puts his arms around his entourage of swimsuit models and flips everyone off.
• The McCain economic plan will cut the cost of gas in half forever.
• Via robo-calls: Barack Obama is known to provide comfort and shelter to the people who murdered Jesus. Obama was brainwashed in this radical practice after he spent time in jail with Muslims for selling drugs and pornography to children.
• Sarah Palin knows how to kill a moose to feed and clothe her family. Barack Obama would give moose more rights to life than unborn babies.
• John McCain is 59 years old.
• Barack Obama wants you to marry your same-sex dog. If you don’t believe that, just look at him. It’s scary.
• America’s economic problems are the fault of the liberal press, who secretly worked with Democrats to design flawed finance laws to make Republicans look bad. Liberal media types are soulless monsters who hate regular people like you because you shop at Wal-Mart and like to eat regular food. The liberal press calls you “fat, Bible-thumping baby makers” and “dipshit hicks” in all of those fancy magazines you can’t buy at Cracker Barrel or read.
• Sarah Palin’s voice is not annoying.
• John McCain knows how to do a Google just fine.
• John McCain doesn’t lie.

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Posted with thanks to Chuck T.