John McCain Not Arrested for Possession of Cocaine

Rochester, NH—Senator and presidential candidate John McCain was not arrested Tuesday evening for possession of cocaine, nor was he charged with possession of cocaine with intent to distribute. McCain was with his entourage in New Hampshire last night, where the senator is touring, talking to voters, being a bit of a dick, and not attending all-night parties stocked with hookers and blow.

Reports that McCain had not been arrested did not start filtering out from local news affiliates late last night. McCain had not drawn attention from police for being disorderly in the lobby of a hotel where a fundraiser had taken place. Shortly after the event concluded, authorities were not suspicious of McCain because he had not been in the bathroom “for more than 30 minutes” with “one man and several young women.”

Authorities did not then witness McCain leaving the restroom with his arms around two of the women and a kind of energy and laughter uncommon for a 71-year-old. The senator was not stopped and questioned in the lobby of the hotel, where he did not grow belligerent and pelt officers with spit and vulgar insults to their manhood. Because the senator was not obviously intoxicated while smoking a cigarette indoors, he was not asked to place his arms over his head so the authorities could check his pockets for illegal substances or weapons.

Witnesses say it was at this moment when McCain did not try to walk away from the police officers, did not throw a punch at one of the officers, and was not chased and tackled in a pathetic attempt to flee the hotel.

After he was not arrested, things not found on John McCain’s person included: 3 grams of powder cocaine, two marijuana cigarettes, one pack of Newport cigarettes, one tube of eye drops, one pack of breath mints, one “gold chip” from the Rochester Elite Gentlemen’s Club, and one wallet that held, among other things, $720 in cash.

McCain’s nonarrest did not shock top aides within his camp since none of them had spent the previous night tweaking on four hits of white blotter, wandering the streets aimlessly while debating politics and philosophy. Earlier that evening, McCain did not need to be “talked down” off the bar at a local tavern where the group had not been “drinking the kegs dry.”

Fallout from the candidate’s lack of hardcore partying in New Hampshire is expected to be minimal. Indeed, McCain has not yet had to avoid an onslaught of questions from reporters oversexed by this nonstory.

Without having to face arraignment on drug charges, McCain will continue his tour today by holding a town hall meeting in Pennsylvania. Aides say the senator plans to childishly mock Barack Obama, spout more contradictory nonsense about the economy, and wildly confuse basic facts about the war in Iraq while claiming superiority on the issue. McCain will end the day with a campaign strategy meeting, where he will continue to take advice and counsel from several of the political psychopaths who ran President Bush’s 2004 reelection campaign.