Poll: Voters Dissatisfied With Tone of Presidential Race

Rhetoric Viewed as Stupid, but Not Stupid Enough

A new poll out from American Survey finds that a majority of American voters are dissatisfied with the tone of the presidential race. The poll tallied large numbers of Americans who say the candidates are spending too much time addressing issues and not enough time injecting idiocy into the contest. This is the first poll of the year to suggest that voters see the race in a largely unfavorable light.

Within hours of its release, the poll was cited by political analysts as proof that the 2008 election season has yet to compete with previous years in terms of empty issues trumped up and exploited by partisan hacks at the expense of our collective intelligence. Many such analysts warned that unless the candidates are willing to quickly cheapen their arguments with wedge issues and embarrassing fear tactics, voters may lose interest in the process earlier than ever before.

Adding to the grim revelations is the fact that the poll was taken well after the Democratic race became unbearable, a sign that voters have given up on being adequately degraded.

Indeed, conversations with a random sampling of voters reveal a considerable amount of frustration.

“I’m disappointed with the campaigns because I expect less from them,” said Meredith Scaife, an advertising consultant and mother of two. “The stuff about the black preacher who hates everyone is scary and basically meaningless, I admit, but it’s hardly something I can use to frighten my children. The candidates need to give me something truly idiotic, preferably in a sound bite I can easily memorize and repeat until it’s true.”

“Yeah, there have been a few spats of late, but the whole thing lacks authentic stupidity,” lamented Dale Cooper, an investment banker who said he’s been tired of “the nicey-nice” race for more than a month. For Mr. Cooper, it’s not enough for candidates to promote low-level inanity over prolonged periods. As he concluded, “I’ve had enough of the pussy-footing. What I’m looking for are carpet bombs of rhetoric so unbelievably stupid that I feel violated.”

Although it’s still early, experts say sentiments such as these are worrisome to both parties. Lynne Wasserman of the Southerly Wind Institute, a political consulting firm, said the growing frustration among voters “presents a big obstacle” for all the candidates as the election approaches.

“Voters are used to being yelled at,” said Wasserman. “They’re used to politicians who appeal to worries and excuse prejudices. The presidential class of 2008 have done that, certainly, but they need to pour it on if they want to be judged dumb enough to get elected.”

In response to the poll, top advisers to Senators Clinton, McCain, and Obama held an unprecedented joint conference call with journalists. The advisers assured the media that they intend to heed public opinion and promised spikes of stupidity in the coming weeks.

Whatever happens, judging by voters like Kim Madison, the campaigns have their work cut out for them.

“What nobody’s saying is that the race is really boring,” said Madison, a graduate student by day and Starbucks barista by night. “No offense to my gender, but this race has no balls. I feel like I’m this huge target of moral self-righteousness begging to be taken advantage of by whorish surrogates and shady astroturf organizations. I wake up in the morning just craving a perfectly coordinated smear campaign that relies on mainstream media manipulation to manufacture a whopper so massive that any hope for intelligent discourse is obliterated. And every day that passes without such an outrage pisses me off even more. Seriously, just whom do we have to blow to get offended in this country?”