What You Cannot Expect on Super Tuesday

Super Tuesday is a bit lame for a lot of reasons. Suffering from inescapable dread over the coming wave of media coverage, we found ourselves wondering what it would look like if that crack political squad on CNN suddenly engaged in a spontaneous orgy. Would they become more appealing? Less appealing?

Here are a few other things you can’t expect tonight:

• Mitt Romney to talk at length about Battlefield Earth, his favorite novel.
• Free hits of Orange Sunshine for any voter who participates in exit polling.
• Admission from Mike Huckabee that his political kinship with Chuck Norris has “evolved into passionate and frequent lovemaking for Christ.”
• Dick Cheney to shoot someone else in the face.
• Live interviews with John Edwards from the squash court in his home—the likes of which most people in both Americas can’t afford.
• Karl Rove to tell his Fox News colleagues that Barack Obama has been successful because “the media has been very desirous that a Black quarterback can do well.”
• Clinton campaign to change its motto to “Embracing Dynasty on Day One!”
• John McCain to dance bare-chested to Mama Said Knock You Out.
• Ralph Nader to give up on any future presidential run after realizing his motivations may be rooted in colossal vanity.
• Barack Obama to promise that he will “bring Americans of all backgrounds together to drink the pain away.”