Hannah Montana’s Anti-War Ballad Divides Audiences, Disrupts Concerts

Cleveland, OH--Hannah Montana’s new anti-war ballad, “War Turns My Smile Upside Down,” is causing a stir among those attending the teen pop star’s packed performances. The song, a pretty lame reflection on the nature of modern warfare that includes such lines as, “and I think / I don’t like war / very much / ‘cause it is bad,” is giving rise to a rare occurrence at teen concerts: loud choruses of hisses and boos, which are then rejoined by equally loud cheers and applause.

At last night’s sold-out show in Cleveland, response to the song was loud enough to momentarily drown out the music. Determined, Montana soldiered on to finish the song and the rest of her set.

Backstage, before disappearing with her entourage, Montana expressed frustration at the growing dissent among her audiences. “I just think war is bad for people,” she said moments after battling through her performance. “I don’t understand why so many people are upset about it.”

In that case, Ms. Montana might want to talk with 9-year-old Kelsey Worthington.

“I don’t come to Hannah Montana shows so she can proselytize for the misguided, radical left,” complained Worthington, who attended last night’s show and booed loudly as soon as Montana began singing the controversial song. “If she wants to pretend she’s a teen star with integrity while she bids for the powerful liberal factions that effectively devastated popular support for a just war against Islamofascism, that’s fine. But it’s presumptuous of her to expect my applause.”

Kelsey’s mother, Claire, agreed.

“It’s a concert for kids,” sighed the elder Worthington. “I didn’t pay $2,800 on eBay so my family could hear a bunch of crap about peace and love and kissing trees or whatever. I don’t want my kids exposed to that bile at such an impressionable age.”

In contrast to Montana’s detractors, however, many in the crowd support the singer despite the worthlessness of the song.

Maggie Bettenlurk, an 11-year-old and self-proclaimed “Montaniac,” mocked the singer’s attempt to address a serious issue within the teen-pop genre, but expressed displeasure with the negative reactions of some fans.

“The song is naïve dribble, and we all know it,” said Bettenlurk, who stood just rows behind the Worthington family and cheered the entire show. “But that’s no justification for rude behavior that should be left to the low-life that populate Wiggles’ shows. The rest of Hannah’s performance was exceptional.”

The stark division among Montana’s fans was evident well after the house lights came on and her Ohio-area fans filed out of the aisles to go home.

“Hannah Surrender,” jeered Todd McFallon, an energetic 8-year-old who seemed to be lobbing his remarks more at his little sister, Eve, than at the singer.

Eve, a devout fan proudly clutching her brand new Hannah Montana t-shirt, came to the singer’s defense without batting an eye.

“Your immaturity is as towering a force as it’s ever been,” Eve shot back. “I guess mom can take the rubber sheets off your bed since you won’t be urinating in your sleep anymore, eh? Did you hear that, mother? Todd has emerged victorious from his long slog with bedwetting! What a proud day for him! Let’s go get a big carafe of cranberry juice and celebrate on the veranda!”

“Hannah Hate Freedom,” said Todd.

“I swear to Christ, shut your mouth,” growled Eve.

“Han-Against-Us Montana.”

“You know, it’s fascinating how your mouth leaks piss just like your bladder.”

“Montana and Fonda sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”

“Get out the disinfectant wipes, mother! It’s a gusher!”

“Hann-emy of the State,” cracked Todd.

Eve picked up an empty beer bottle from the sidewalk. “Mother, let’s make sure Todd has something to urinate in before we get out of the parking lot.”

“Hann-a Salam a Lakem,” laughed Todd as the bottle rocketed past his face.