Bush Growing Bored With Ruining the Country

Washington, DC--After more than 6 years as President, George W. Bush has grown tired of the business of ruining the country. Accounts of Bush’s growing apathy began leaking this week from top administration officials, all of whom declined to speak on the record. Political analysts throughout the nation’s media have gone out on a limb to suggest that the wave confessions is a sign of growing dysfunction in the White House.

According to the accounts, Bush’s boredom has been growing obvious for months. One high-ranking aide who spoke with Newsweek claimed the President now routinely skips meetings and daily briefings, opting to stay in his bedroom and watch a mishmash of ESPN’s Sports Center and softcore pornography. On other days Bush avoids the Oval Office in favor of long workouts, and occasionally the President is nowhere to be found.

“He’s just tuning out,” noted the aide. “We’ve anticipated this for some time, but I think all of us are surprised at how early it’s happening. It’s a shame because we’ve got so much more to destroy but no President to wield the chainsaw.”

The grim assessment was typical of the admissions from chatty staffers. Indeed, some have painted a far grimmer picture.

“Bored? Try totally absent,” said one source who is considering resigning. “We’ve been cooking up blistering shitstorms for his last year office, work that will solidify his efforts to bury our international credibility, wipe out civil liberties, widen the income gap, suffocate the middle class, ruthlessly consolidate executive power, you name it. And where is he? Out to lunch. It’s bullshit.”

Moreover, several sources described instances of near-petulant behavior on the part of the President. At a recent meeting on the nomination of anti-gay doctor James W. Holsinger, Jr. to the post of Surgeon General, Bush reportedly sat away from the table for the entire meeting. Clearly uninterested, the President popped bubblegum bubbles and made loud “snoring sounds.”

When asked for his final approval on the inevitably divisive appointment, Bush nodded and said, “You’re all a bunch of little bitches. You know that? Little bitches.”

“I wish it had been shocking,” said one advisor who attended the meeting. “But really, it was just one incident in a long string. Trampling on the Constitution, marginalizing populations, fostering hate in the name of religion…these are things that no longer inspire the President. He’d just rather eat grilled cheese and chastise the people around him.”

Unfortunately, none of these sources expressed any hope that Bush’s boredom will soon pass.

“Here he is, a two-term President within reach of achieving a legacy unparalleled in its repugnance, but he’s running out of gas,” said one of the sources. “It’s heartbreaking for all of us.”