Bush Asks Florida Man to Sacrifice Penis for War Effort

Washington, DC—Long criticized for not asking Americans to make sacrifices for a war touted as critical to the nation’s future, today President Bush asked Florida resident Jed Wasterman to sacrifice his penis for the war. In a statement released to press affiliates across the country, Bush noted that Wasterman’s penis will help the United States and its allies make long strides in the war on terrorism.

“We need hard and firm resolve against our enemies,” Bush’s statement read. “Mr. Wasterman’s penis is just one more tool we can use to beat those who seek to destroy our way of life.”

Wasterman, a marketing executive and lifelong resident of Florida, could not be reached for comment Thursday.

Friends and associates of Wasterman explained that he is well known for having a great penis. He was repeatedly described as having once been a “real ladies man” who had little difficulty “getting tail” while attending the University of Miami in the early 1990s.

For weeks the White House had hinted that Bush was on the lookout for a suitable penis, and it was rumored that comedian Dennis Miller and actor James Woods were on the President’s short penis list. But by late Wednesday it was clear Bush had decided to tap the penis of the unknown Wasterman. Sources close to the President said the choice excited most senior administration officials, but left a few feeling envious. In particular, Vice President Dick Cheney and his staff were stunned to learn that none of their favorite penises made the final cut.

“I think everyone will rally around Wasterman’s penis in the end, despite how sore some of us feel right now,” said one official who declined to go on record. “Because the fact is this war needs a penis inside of it, a strong performer that won’t pull out too early. And all of us should be honored when an American makes that sacrifice for our freedom. Right now that American is Jed Wasterman.”

Regardless, some friends of Wasterman were surprised at the President’s request. Jason Riffenbocker, a self-described “fishing buddy” of Wasterman’s, said he did not realize his friend still owned a penis.

“Jed’s dick has been in a jar ever since he married that bitch Doris,” said Riffenbocker.