Jesus-Hating Homosexual Alien Lovers Assume Power

Abolishment of Family and Embarrassing Exit From Iraq Among Top Legislative Priorities

Washington, DC--Emerging from 12 years in the political wilderness through no special effort of their own, the party that hates America, freedom, our troops, unborn babies, the Christ child, things that are fun, Chevy trucks, and traditional values officially took the reins of legislative power today. Packing an ambitious agenda for their first 100 hours in office, Democrats set about demolishing what remains of their credibility and mucking up an already mucked-up branch of the Federal government.

Congressional leaders in both houses spent much of the morning celebrating the beginning of a new era of mediocrity. Marking the occasion with a characteristic political master stroke, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that if her wishy-washy party had been in control of congress earlier, the execution of Saddam Hussein “would have been a lot more entertaining.”

“And that’s why America didn’t select the other party last November” beamed Pelosi. “By not voting for the status quo, Americans turned slightly away from jaded partisan politics and slightly toward ineffectual infighting and posturing. And by golly, in two years you’ll swear we were never here!”

In the Senate, newly crowned Majority Leader Harry Reid was jubilant while setting high expectations for the 110th Congress. And perhaps brilliantly, Reid seemed to be using an entirely different set of talking points than Pelosi.

“Americans asked for change,” noted Reid, in his best monotone. “They asked for a new direction, and we’re going to make bold moves. We’ll secure free, government-sponsored abortions for everyone; we’ll get every senior citizen one extra dollar off of at least one bottle of one prescription medication once a year; we’ll pass out Ecstasy and condoms in the public schools so that for once, truly, no child is left behind; and we’ll implant millions of newborn babies with a state-of-the-art gay gene developed by our nation’s best scientists. Yes, America, you’ve finally got a Congress you can trust.”

The echoes of coming change were also evident on the nation’s airwaves, as dozens of top Democrats and liberal strategists blabbered on news programs and talk radio as if they own the town now, like they’ve been in charge since the beginning, real showy and arrogant-like, real know-it-all and conceited. Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean appeared on several inane morning television shows to address the war in Iraq, one of the key issues that helped thrust the Democrats to power.

Dean said Americans can count on Democrats to be part of several discussions that may or may not bring about some measure of progress in the disaster-a-day mess factory that is the war.

“Because Americans expect that much from us, Matt” noted Dean on Today. “And we pledge to help bring about a fresh strategy for Iraq, somehow, in some way or another, so that at some point in the future the situation will have improved a little, depending on how you look at it and what historical precedents you’re using as comparisons. It’s complicated.”

Prodded on how that constitutes real change, Dean fired back, “Christ, Matt, I just said it, so get off it. Next cue card, Matt. Next question from the magic teleprompter, please. And seriously, give me a softball for once. Just this once, Lauer, that’s all I’m asking.”