Republicans Blame Clinton for All Problems in Every Place Ever

Washington DC--GOP leaders expressed extreme dismay with Bill Clinton today, announcing that all problems ever experienced by anyone or anything ever in the history of time are the fault of the former President. In a somber press release issued early this morning, top Republicans noted “immeasurable sadness” for the myriad problems caused by every action Bill Clinton has ever taken in his miserably destructive life.

“It is our humble wish to provide comfort to everyone hurt by the abominable former President,” the statement read. “We want all living beings ever created to know that we are praying for them.”

Word of the Republicans’ message saturated media outlets throughout the world within minutes of its release, as humans all over the globe were united in a debilitating depression of Clinton’s design. Markets crashed in Asia and widespread blackouts were reported in western Europe.

Across America, response to the GOP declaration of blame was swift and emotional. Symbols of sadness and despair dotted street corners, homes, and schools alike. A mega church on the outskirts of an Ohio suburb displayed a sign that read, “Lord Jesus, save us from Monster Clinton.” An Alabama grocery store owner closed his doors, lamenting that fresh food is pointless “when you consider everything that man has ruined.” And on a sleepy Missouri playground, a 6-year-old girl was found crying and abandoned. The shivering child clutched a homemade card on which was written, “Mister Clintun, please stop hurting mommy.”

Schools across the country closed, airports cancelled hundreds of flights, and Congress hinted that it will not return to Washington after its fall recess is over. Said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, “Thanks to the unmitigated arrogance and deviance of William Jefferson Clinton--the disgrace he brought to the presidency, the country, the entire world--Congress is cancelled indefinitely.”

At the White House, emotions ran unusually high as flags were lowered to half mast and staffers gathered to comfort one another. The normally hectic West Wing was reduced to a trickle of activity, as President Bush delivered an impromptu television address in an effort to express sympathy for the devastated planet. With his voice breaking, Bush told viewers that there’s nothing anyone can do about anything anymore.

“From now and forever,” said Bush, “Clinton has obliterated everything worthwhile. God save us.”