LA NUEVA CUBA!

ATLS correspondent Chuck Mickelson got sauced the other night and said he was going to take a row boat to Cuba. We thought he was kidding, but then we received this dispatch this morning. Looks like he’s on a full-fledged bender now, but that didn’t stop him from getting a scoop. Damn straight!


LA NUEVA CUBA!

Havana, Cuba; 2:37 a.m.

Hola! Greetings from the party town of the Caribbean!! YES!! GODDAMN!! I don’t know what the American MSM is talking about, saying it’s subdued down here, ‘cause you would think it’s freaking Christmas or whatever oh man goddamn I am hammered! Seriously thoughseriously, it’s hard to tell what the muchachos are all whipped up about… Castro’s being close to death, or recovery… or the fact that they pipe tequila into the drinking fountains on the street (BTW…sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!)

Ive been keeping an eye on the MSM coverage and those children don’t know jack shit about Cuba, they don’t know jack one shit man Oh by the way, MSM, nice segments about how to stay cool in the heat wave you stupid bastards. all VERY informative, so very well conceived… cause I didn’t know I should avoid taking naps in the blistering sun. Oh thank you SOOOO much for your concern, you are SOOOO thoughtful, why don’t you all go suck on [content omitted by ATLS editors].

I did not know you could bong margaritas

Hey I met this drunk party guy, and I mean Party guy... fuck that’s funny... I mean he knows how to party, TRUST me, but he’s from THE Party. I think he was too wiped to know what he was doing, so he gives me this folder and was like HEY AMERICAN JOURNALIST FASCIST, PRINT THIS FOR FUNNY PAPERS!! Turns out he gave me his notes from a meeting with Raul Castro… and the dude is ready to normalize with the U.S.! BEAT THAT SCOOP MATT LAUER YOU FUCKING [content omitted by ATLS editors].

anyway the tentative Raul agenda for the new Cuba is below. i think i got the translation pretty close before fiesta started. Who knew Raul was such a renaissance man the whole time, it’s like when that disgusting hooker that tried to pick me up, well… Fuck it never mind Bottoms up, bitches
Chuck

Action Items for Raul Castro’s First 90 Days

• Full presidential pardon for the following: Ricky Ricardo, Antonio Sabato Jr., Gloria Estefan (but no pardon for Miami Sound Machine), Emilio Estevez, and Cuba Gooding, Jr.
• Award Honoray Membership in Cuban Military Guard to Senior Horatio Caine from the Miami CSI Lab, in recognition for his being such a “bad motherfucking hombre.”
• Grant U.S. full rights to unsupervised visits with Elian Gonzalez.
• Official acknowlegement that it is now OK to admit that Fidel’s military outfit seems a bit “make believe.”
• DIPLOMATIC REQUEST: Full voting rights for Cuban citizens in next year’s “American Idol” competition, with annual review of said rights occurring after each season by a panel of mediaries. Bribe with cigars if need be.
• DIPLOMATIC DEMAND: Garnish wages of all Cuban-born baseball pitchers making more than 2 million USD per year with American teams. Note: Ask them why they don’t get more of their farm boys to pitch for the Yankees if they’re so great.