Rove Escapes Indictment, Still a "Raging Dick" Says Special Prosecutor

Ed. Note: I'm recovering from a recent trip to the left side of the country, so I apologize for the noticeable lack in reporting. Luckily for my hung-over ass (shout out to the Lotus Room!), brother Chuck Mickelson snagged this fat nugget last night. So special thanks for his efforts.

Sorry truthout, but you can't scoop everything.

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Rove Escapes Indictment, Still a "Raging Dick" Says Special Prosecutor
Washington, DC--Spank Exclusive Reported by Chuck Mickelson

Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, thought by many to be finalizing work on his infamous CIA leak investigation, announced today that his repeated focus on White House advisor Karl Rove will not result in an indictment. Fitzgerald made the announcement while speaking with reporters outside his Washington offices, saying that while the key Bush Administration aide will not be charged with a crime, "he steadfastly remains and raging dick. Make no mistake, this guy is a major penis."

Mr. Rove, who was widely speculated to be a target in Fitzgerald's investigation, was seen this morning politely giving the finger to reporters outside the White House.

"I spoke with Mr. Rove personally to inform him of this office's decision," Fitzgerald explained yesterday. "Mr. Rove's only response was to say, 'Told you, Nancy,' which was followed by what sounded like someone farting into the phone."

"Believe me," Fitzgerald later concluded, "if I could prosecute Mr. Rove for being an unbearable cock, he would have been serving time long ago. However, making one's living by being a powerfully stinking prick with a self-serving, homophobic God complex is still protected by the Constitution I uphold--the same one Mr. Rove wipes his substantial ass with every day."