A Spank Prayer: Katie Couric's New Adventure

Please, Lord, please O Great and Powerful Master, He who hath already punished us with American Idol and Axe Body Spray, please O pretty please deliver us from Katie Couric. Shield us from the monstrosity that is her face. Save me from episodes of projectile vomiting when she pretends to be an anchor after 15 years of trash television. As if the content of Today is somehow one step away from what we should actually care about. As if she's thinking about anything other than her millions. As if it isn't blatantly obvious that when she looks in the mirror she sees a movie star. Please, Dear Lord of All Things Fine and Hideously Stupid, let us not play Where in the World Is Matt Lauer? ever, ever again. (Forgive me, Father, for I realize that's a bit off topic, but since we're mentioning Today I thought I'd just stick it in, if you catch my drift). Anyway, Lord, grace us with your strength in this time of unparalleled need. Lead us not to the CBS Evening News to hear Katie Couric interviewing world leaders for fear of being struck dead by ocean-sized irony. Save us from Couric-style on-location news reporting; from her trademark tone of forged concern; from her histrionic, get-tough questions for politicians during election years; from each and every opportunity she'll take to wax poetic on the issues of the day. O, Dearest and Most Powerful Pummeler, King Shit of Fuck Sky, please, in your heavenly name we pray. Amen.