Preview: Santorum 2006

The pundits have been suggesting for a while that Rick Santorum is in for a tough fight this fall. It seems he's going to have to run an airtight campaign chock full of solid ideas to balance the needs of moderate GOP voters with those of the Schiavo faithful. What's a fuckwit to do? I can't help but daydream a little bit about what he'll be proposing. In case you're a Santorum staffer helping to shape his 2006 platform, these ideas are on the house (you're welcome):

• Justice Sunday MANIA. The biggest, baddest Justice Sunday event ever. "This time it's for keeps." All the major players will be there to pile-drive Satan out of America: Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Sam Brownback, Mel Gibson, Bill Frist, and many more! If we're lucky, the event will culminate in a cage match between Susan Sarandon and Ann Coulter. You better pay attention, 'cause Jesus Christ ain't fuckin' around anymore.
• Birth Control Aborts Abortion Campaign. In a bold move, Santorum will unveil a plan to endorse a new form of birth control with the express purpose of aborting abortion. The plan will call for 24-hour monitoring of all married and unmarried couples to ensure no sexual activity of any kind takes place, effectively ending abortion. Procreation will occur through Government-sanctioned and chaperoned "conception trials" between married couples who have agreed to create and raise children of "acceptable moral clarity."
• The Spouting of More Crazy Shit. Following up on a number of public-record doozies, Santorum will design and spout at least four strategically-timed "rhetoric bombs" destined to stir voter interest and provoke loads of insufferable blathering from the media's talking heads.
• Reject Raising the Minimum Wage Again (Fighting for America's Families). In an effort to protect American families from the tyranny of the ungrateful low-wage workforce, Santorum will vow to keep the minimum wage exactly where it is. Hard-working families should not have to suffer from the economic fallout of a wage hike, plain and simple.
• Rekindle Love for Intelligent Design. After a brief break-up, Santorum will open his arms once again to embrace Intelligent Design. The couple will renew their vows live on the 700 Club. The groom will wear a conservative tuxedo with a small white boutonniere. The bride will wear the unmistakable cloak of masked fascism.

Or not. But if you settle down in front of the tube for a steamy Saturday night with the stars of C-SPAN, don't be surprised if you find Santorum's adopted these ideas. You heard it here first.