Found: Diary of a Bill O'Reilly Fanatic

A reader sent in this gem. He found it in an abandoned car in Little Rock, AK during a police investigation. It's an entry from a spiral notebook that was plastered with Bill O'Reilly stickers, careful etchings of O'Reilly's head, and what seem to be quotes from The O'Reilly Factor. The reader reports that the notebook's cover is actually emblazoned with a heart-and-arrow sketch--the words "Bill Forever" are written in cursive handwiting with glittery ink. What follows is a kind of diary from what is recorded only as "monday," though it appears to be recent. Enjoy:


monday

• Woke up at 6. Thought about Bill while eating Wheaties. Milk going sour. Ate while watching TiVoed Bill from September. TiVo is full but still can't afford the 80 hour model.
• 7:30. I am crawling the walls a little. New regimen not easy, want to call doctor a lot. Turn on TV again but Katie Couric is there babbling. Buddy says he thinks she's conservative but I know she is a goddammed liberal. Can't look away though. It is like when that kid crashed his car in the front yard. impossible not to stare, but god help me if she keeps disrespecting Matt Lauer like that.
• 8:45. I call doc. She is not in yet.
• 9:02. I call doc. She is busy with other people but I'm told to look at the booklet we made last week and try to relax.
• 10:45. I got so anxious I passed out--I think for 15 minutes or so. spells less frequent now. Feel better watching Bill from last wednesday, telling that commie feminist to shut up. Shut up, bitch!
• 11:10. Make jesus cry when Price is Right is on. Have been better about that but can't help it when they show them touching a new car like that. feel dirty. get angry because I told doc I don't do it when i'm watching Bill which is why watching Bill is so important.
• 11:50. I would have chosen showcase number two. Two is always better. Ten minutes till noon!
• 12:25. Make lunch after stairmaster, listening to radio Factor. I love radio Factor. I love Bill. Goddam liberals piss me off. Goddamn whiners. I guess they would sell Christmas to Osama bin Lodden if they got a chance. stupid fuckers. stupid, stupid, stupid fuckers. Shut up! Shut up! Stupid Jon stewert! Smart alecky liberal lackey!
• 1:10. Bill giving Franken hell again. I am naked on the floor eating popcorn from a pile on my chest.
• 2:01. Awesome Factor. AWESOME!
• 2:03. SO GODDAM FIRED UP!
• 2:07. YES! YES!YES! YES!
• 2:10. Fire off angy e-mail to sweetjesusihatebilloreilly. Oh my god they make me crazy. LIARS! Attach picture of middle finger decorated with stars and stripes. Then Play wiffle ball in living room with Bill again. this time we are the 1965 Dodgers and Bill gets to be Drysdale.
• 3:33. Sit by window for a long while. stare at cover of How to Talk to a Liberal. Think about Ann Coulter sunbathing on the beach, wonder about where she goes for vacation. it has to be real nice. where would i go for vacation? maybe the islands or mexico. some place hot. need to sweat and get baked by the sun. some place with a bar and cable. i could take my portable radio for Factor and listen on the beach. i bet she does too--so she doesn't miss factor. look over at clock and my stomach knots, feel sick. waiting is harder today. might get up and stretch for a bit, try to calm down a little.
• 4:10. Must have slammed face into living room window. Good thing Buddy was coming over anyway. found me there, finally the bleeding is stopped. i'm not going for stitches this time. everyone knows nurses are liberal. probably stitch a damn liberal swasticka in my damn face. cold pak makes a difference.
• 5:02. Buddy downstairs playing ultimate strike force. i beat it weeks ago but he is slow sometimes. tired now from all the excitement. hard not to open the cabinet for just one to get me through till 8.
• 5:05. I call Doc. She's home for the day. Fitstein is on call for "emergencies." As if.
• 5:19. I have to tell Buddy to shut up i can't think. Pouring kalua. I don't care. milk smells worse.
• 6:00. can't get tylenol out. goddam liberal safety caps. scream at Buddy to go get more milk.
• 6:35. christ how long does it take to go to 7-Eleven
• 6:50 fuck if he doesn't get back soon he always DOES THIS SHIT TO ME. fuck it i am just drinking it with ice.
• so much better with milk. Buddy's stealing my change again i can hear it jingling in his pocket.
• 7 stop turn it off Buddy factor is coming soon
• 75yes! FACTOR!
• fucking ACLU. my god those babies. BABIES!
• stupid ACU commies. prostitute nazis. shouting everybody down cause they can't eat for themselves! zelluts!
• Buddy will not stop talking through Factor I'm gonna womp him one. asshole. he always talks. i'm gonna womp him right now
• i don't care if buddy goes home anyway i can hear Factor i am so hammerd too
• Factor over my eyes are heavy like sand bags