My Days in Dummydom

Whenever I have a day to myself I spend hours scouring the Dummies section at the local bookstore. I like to sit in the middle of the isle with a family size bag of cheese curls and eat them until my stomach feels like molten butter. Sometimes I drag a chair over from one of the reading areas to relax, and other times I just take my pants off. Either way, it doesn't take long until I'm deep in the Dummy zone: engrossed in a new subject, rocking back and forth in a trance, selfishly licking moist orange residue from my finger tips, and flipping page after page with authority. (Last week I got so excited reading Pilates for Dummies that I had my first accident in public since preschool.) I know my enthusiasm can get the best of me, that my sporadic screams of pleasure have frightened nearby customers, but just how am I supposed to give a crap about some shmuck in next isle when there's so much knowledge to be possessed?

My stupid shrink tells me I need to stop. He says I'll never make progress if I keep walking backwards. Well, here's a freaking Newsflash!!! I'm not walking backwards, I'm hanging out in a bookstore! And the fact is I can't help the way I feel. Rather, I WON'T help the way I feel. I'm not going to just stop because I've been threatened repeatedly by the fascist store manager--just like I didn't stop after my last arrest. I'm not a quitter, for Christ's sake, I fucking read Sustaining Willpower for Dummies. 'Cause what the shrinks and the cops and my raggedy old inflatable girlfriend can't understand is that I'm not merely exercising a need to memorize the art of operating the standard home computer, or the myriad decorative possibilities of those adorable little wooden hearts, or the poetry of Billy Corgan. It's more than that: I'm offering a spirited recognition of the ever-expanding Dummy cannon, and motherfuck if I'm going to miss one single beat.

If only there were space enough for me to list all of my favorites. You'll have to survive on a few selected titles:

• Waking Up in the Morning for Dummies
• Brushing Your Teeth for Dummies
• Making an Ass of Yourself for Dummies
• Breathing for Dummies
• Inspired Self-Mutilation for Dummies
• Making Love the Bill O'Reilly Way for Dummies
• Chewing and Swallowing for Dummies
• Chewing and Swallowing for Dummies (UNCENSORED!)
• Discussions on the Portrayal of Marriage in Everybody Loves Raymond for Dummies
• Snap! Crackle! Pop?: The Mysteries of Breakfast Cereal for Dummies
• Stop Being a Dummy for Dummies
• Farting for Dummies
• Messing With Dummies for Dummies
• A Ventriloquist's Tips on Dating and Romancing Dummies for Dummies