Bush Begins Barnstorming Tour to Congratulate America

Dayton, OH--Spank Media

A giddy President Bush began a two-week barnstorming tour today to congratulate Americans for being so amazing. The 24-city trip marks the first time a President has crisscrossed the country with the express purpose of showering every citizen with unadulterated praise.

Appearing at a Dayton auditorium in front of a packed crowd of pre-screened Bush loyalists--perhaps an unsurprising choice for the tour's opening day--Bush leapt onto the stage while a sound system blared Outkast's popular hip-hop anthem Hey Ya.

"Hello Ohio! How's everybody doin' out there this morning?" inquired the jubilant President, a greeting the excited crowd immediately answered with a roar of approval and a hail of flashbulbs. But before the rapturous greeting could be absorbed, the President launched into some of the finest colloquialisms and self-deprecating icebreakers lavished on audiences since the peak days of Bush-Cheney '04.

Commanding the stage with his trademark smirk and a well-polished version of his quasi-adopted Midwestern vocal stylings, Bush sounded refreshingly confident as he proceeded to peel off riff after riff of congratulatory one-liners.

"I just wanna say thank you t'all a y'all out there making this country the greatest that ever was," offered the President early on in the morning's blistering set, the glittery-eyed crowd hanging on his every compliment. "Heckava job! Each and every one of ya!"

Clearly inspired by a crowd entranced with his persona, Bush pumped out layer after layer of admiration highlighted with sharp, spirit-boosting expressions. Although the numbers seemed expertly rehearsed, at least a few moments contained traces of biting spontaneity. After one particularly boisterous round of applause, the President exclaimed, "If I'da known it was gonna be this kinda barbeque, I'da had Turd Blossom bring the beer!"

With characteristic brilliance, the President went on to mix his commendations with a generous smattering of classic topics and heartwarming segues, including "common sense," "hard work," "it's like that old story where...," "the sanctity of marriage," and "the brave men and women." Judging just which accolade drew the most applause is difficult, though several standouts were clear. And as he left the stage following a brief encore, the howling crowd was left wanting more with Bush's parting gem, "But then, you already know how I feel about hard-working American families."

Although a multitude of liberal crybabies are angry about the President's tour, decrying what's been termed a shamefully cheap PR stunt during a period of increasing uncertainty in Iraq, it was clear the Bush team wasn't interested in appeasing its enemies in Ohio. As one dazed loyalist put it after the speech, "I actually wet myself! Really! I just let it all out right there in the front row. Freakin' amazing show!"