House Appropriations Committee Suspected of Eating a Pizza Delivery Guy

Hot stuff happening on Capitol Hill today. Details are still murky, but my sources say a local pizza delivery guy failed to return after taking "a huge order" to a long-running meeting of the Committee on Appropriations. The owner of the pizzeria says his employee initially refused to make the delivery and told his supervisors that he detested "that pack of monsters," but the young man was eventually convinced to soldier on with his job. Sources also say two Congressional aides reported seeing the delivery guy enter the meeting chamber, but can't remember seeing him leave. According to one reporter I know on the inside:

The buzz on this has been getting louder all morning, and I guess it will hit the wires within an hour or two. The aide I spoke with said she entered the meeting room shortly after it cleared out last night and that it was an absolute pigsty. Trashed pizza boxes and empty Coke bottles were "all over the place," and she said the room seemed to have a rank odor somewhere beneath the smell of grease and stale coffee. I couldn't confirm this, but a fellow reporter I spoke with says a janitor found a "weirdly scuffed" sneaker and "smiling pizza man hat" under the tables and discarded paper plates. The same reporter says Chairman Jerry Lewis was seen leaving the Hill in a hurry last night and so far hasn't been reached for comment. And so it goes for every member of the Committee. Anyway, this thing's probably gonna blow up but I can already hear McClellan in my head, droning on about how it's the "Administration's policy not to comment on an ongoing investigation." Christ, that guy is such a punk. Just imagine what he must look like when he eats! If I were his wife I would gas myself.

Some of the other reporters that occasionally send me information are echoing similar versions of these details. I plan to follow up with them and pursue other leads as soon as I get over this crushing hangover... I woke up on the floor this morning with my head resting in a pile of Cheese Nips and my shirt only halfway off. And if someone would just make a Tylenol worth a shit I could see to type more than this and get the scoop for you. But for now I'm just going back to bed. Word to the wise: Champagne Kills.

Nighty night.