Nation Urged Not to Wake Sleeping Democrats

Mysterious Encounters Increasing Along With Public Worry

Washington, DC--Spank Media

Public anxiety spiked this week with reports that mysterious encounters with sleeping Democrats are on the rise. Initially thought of as harmless incidents, authorities in several states are now working together to understand the unprecedented problem. Frightening a growing number of victims, the sightings usually occur during early morning hours, but have been reported at all hours of the day. Officials urge citizens who encounter sleeping Democrats not to wake them, but to get to a safe location and call the police.

Clarissa Barnett, one of the first victims in her suburban Virginia community, urges the public to heed police advice. The 32-year-old pharmacist was shaken to her core two weeks ago when a typical morning workout turned into a raging nightmare. As she was rounding a corner on the home stretch of her jog, Barnett spotted a pack of Democrats sleeping directly in her path. Shocked, she stopped in her tracks and immediately looked for an escape route.

"I stopped all movement and tried to quiet my breathing," recounts Barnett. "I don't know how I kept myself from making a sound--I just did. Then something kicked in and told me: Don't you dare make a sound, Clarissa. If you want to see your family again, just stay calm." After gathering her wits in those tense few moments, Barnett says she was able to tiptoe to the other side of the street without waking the Democrats. Although she couldn't name any of them, she thought a couple of them looked like "real big shots."

"I feel so lucky to have gotten away unscathed," Barnett admits. "They were just so horrible, sprawled out on the sidewalk like a pile of mannequins. They had that dead look about them."

Police say Ms. Barnett's experience matches up with other sightings in a number of ways, especially because they could not find the sleeping Democrats Barnett reported once officers arrived at the scene. This confounding similarity has proved a major hindrance for authorities, now investigating sightings in 10 states. With their progress stalled, police are asking residents in all affected communities to come forward if they have information about these or any other encounters.

Unfortunately, the investigative efforts are slow going at best. "All we can do is study the victims' stories and look for clues," said one exasperated police official. "We know that the Democrats are always dressed in the formal business attire they wear at work and on TV, and that they're always sleeping in small groups. We know that each victim experienced an acute sense of panic after encountering the Democrats, but that no attacks have occurred. We also know that in almost every case, they were sleeping in haphazard positions." Beyond this is where police admit the leads are few and the details murky. "It's true, we're going on guesswork to a great extent. But based on what little we know, if you happen upon them, the safest option is to just let them sleep."

For Clarissa Barnett, this strategy is only a minor comfort. Since her encounter, she hasn't slept through the night. The self-proclaimed health nut can't bring herself to jog anywhere, save the treadmill in her basement. Just walking from her house to her car in the driveway has become a harrowing ritual.

"I just want to get my life back on track," she confides. "Right now I see sleeping Democrats in my dreams. I'm paranoid they'll be around every corner, or stacked up and snoring at the bottom of the stairs, lying there with their mouths wide open. I just want it to be over. I just want to feel normal again."