Let’s Get These Parties Started: Sneak Peek at Decision 2006

Washington, DC—Spank Exclusive
Spank Mickelson, with contributions by Chuck Mickelson

It’s almost that time again. Ready or not, we’re right at the edge of the most specialest of special seasons—the national election cycle. Granted, for millions of us, election day is just a day off for the kids and a convenient excuse to “work” from home. And it’s just any old Tuesday for millions more who have no idea an election is taking place, what’s at stake, the name of any politician besides the current President, or anything at all about participatory democracy. But for some—and you know who you are by the nausea gathering in the pit of your gut—election day and the months leading up to it are a time of deep reflection and careful study, a time when we’re reminded that every vote counts unless it doesn’t, when special interests fund the campaigns of politicians who promise not to bow to special interests, and when our minds are deluged with empty sloganeering and rampant condescension as pleasurable as drywall nails to the face. It’s a time for being divided along social and economic lines, for uncomfortably heated arguments at backyard BBQs and family dinners, and for going to bed angry and chock full of thunderous sighs. Make no mistake, this is the major leagues—when we show the entire world how free people govern themselves.

So what do the parties have in store for us this year? Always a step ahead, we’ve scooped a sneak peek at how they’ll try to woo us over the next few months. Enjoy.

THE 2006 GOP

Vote GOP: Why Stop Now? You voted for us in 2000, 2002, and 2004. The Looney Left would say you’re mentally retarded, but the sophisticated side of the spectrum knows there’s a difference between deluded enablers and people with developmental challenges. Vote Right, Vote Republican.

Oh, Come on Baby, I’m Sorry. You Know I Love You, Baby, Please Don’t Walk Away From Me. Listen Sugar, calm down for me, take it easy for a moment… it’s me. I know I maybe fucked up a little bit, wasn’t always around like I promised, smacked you around some, left you along the side of the road for days that one time, borrowed some dough out of your purse while you were asleep, told my buddies about your surgery, came home from “Bible study” smelling of booze, but what? You’re tryin’ to get with that chump now? Over a little itty-bitty mistreatin’? Look at him, he’s nothing and you’re a Princess! Oh, come on, I was drunk! I didn’t even know you were in the room, I was just swingin’. I thought you was a burglar! I was tryin’ to protect you ‘cause a man has to keep his Baby safe, right? You wanna be safe, don’t you? So just hold on a minute here and think about this… ‘cause you know nobody’s perfect. And ain’t nobody loves you like I do, Sweet Babycakes, you know that. I’m the only one that ever will, ‘cause we’re meant for each other. I understand you. I was made for you. That’s right, Sunshine, where you goin’? Huh? I thought I saw that little grin. Yeah girl, come on back here. Just sit down with me for a while and we can talk, maybe pray a while, figure this thing out with Jesus. Whaddaya say? I love you, Baby, and I ain’t never gonna let you down again, ever. I promise.

Speak Truth to Power: Fight the Left Wing Conspiracy. America’s Republicans work hard every day to keep you and your loved ones safe from harm and the dangers of a bloated, inefficient government. But Democrats would have you believe your faithful servants are nothing but bunch of crooks. This election day, tell Democrats to stop the nonsense. Tell them to stop hatin’ right now. Tell them to get outta town, Jack. Tell them to choke on a hanging chad. Tell them they’re stupid pinko whiner alien babies who can’t handle real leadership. If you have liberal neighbors or coworkers, stuff American flags in their mouths and lock them in your basement. Spray paint patriotic slogans on their cars after slashing the tires. Call them every five minutes and ask them why they hate freedom. Berate them frequently without provocation—remind them that the baseless charges and accusations against Bush, Cheney, Rove, Libby, Delay, Abramoff, Kidan, Reid, Ney, Cunningham, Safavian, Tobin, and Allen are all politically motivated. Stand up and crush the lies: Vote Republican in 2006!

GOP 2006: Stop the Gays. We’re going to say this plainly: They scare us. And our complacency tempts the wrath of God. Those make-believe global-warming floods Al Gore riles you with in his new movie are nothing. We dare you to compare that with the plagues, quakes, and suffering the Lord will heap upon us for allowing gay marriage and gay adoption to tarnish freedom for so long. It’s not too late to take back our Bible and reclaim our sitcoms. Do the Right thing on November 7: Stop the Gay Invasion. Vote Republican.

THE 2006 DEMOCRATS

40-Percent More Quacking About Faith and Values. You spoke and we heard you! It’s not just a song by George Michael: Apparently faith is really important to some of you, and the 2006 Democrats promise to do a lot more talking about it. In fact, we guarantee we’ll use the word faith more often and more effectively than ever before! Need us to drop more F-bombs in front of the Beltway press? Done. Want to hear more strategically vague mentions of how faith informs family life? You got it. Require at least one Bible-related metaphor during each town hall-style campaign stop? Shazam, bitches! The 2006 Democrats are all over faith and values rhetoric. May God bless our campaign.

A Stronger America. Or not. You know, whatever you want is cool. ‘Cause we’re cool with whatever. So that’s it, we guess. Just letting you know we’re available. It’s definitely not illegal to vote Democratic.

All Harry Reid, All the Time. You loved him during the Nuclear Option Scare. You were wild about him during the Harriet Myers Snafu. Now, from the producers of a string of demoralizing elections, you can enjoy this amazingly charismatic leader 24 hours a day, straight through election day! That’s right, Vote Blue 2006 is proud to present Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid in his own high definition television marathon extravaganza! Buckle up and enjoy the ride as the distinguished Democratic Senator from Nevada regales you with time-honored knock-knock jokes, delightful tales of his boyhood in Nevada or his stint as a gaming commissioner, and of course, generous helpings of his favorite Mormon teachings. A few minutes of this electrifying performance will have you running to the polls to vote Democratic.

Democrats: The Spirit of a Nation. All across this majestic land of ours, the spirit of America is found in the deep, fragrant breaths you take in through your nostrils, from the white shores of Maine, to the vast corn fields of Nebraska, to the rolling vineyards of California. And with each deep breath of freedom, common Americans—you, me, Miss Betsy baking pies for the neighborhood kids from her three-story Victorian on the corner of Ash and Maple streets, Curly Pete brewing fresh joe for his blue-collar factory comrades as they peruse their New York Times crosswords, the principal of your neighborhood’s private school, all of us—grow stronger, more confident, and more defiant in the face of unjust attacks to our cherished liberties, thereby ensuring that the fabric of this great land of ours does not fray, but stands taut—repelling any compromise to the American Dream. My fellow Americans, the goals of the Democratic Party are as simple and clear as this vision I have laid out you right here at this challenging moment in our great and storied history, as simple as the magical heartbeat of every child who looks upon the steamboat of his imagination as it pushes off into the vast sea of wonderment that is his life. These goals are as rooted in good old-fashioned Americana as the spindly base of the willow tree under which my brothers and I would play enriching games of cricket during our summers in the Hamptons, before sitting down for a glass of organic tomato juice and the delight of verb conjugation drills in both Latin and French, as we looked forward to upcoming semesters abroad. Just like you. Just like your families. If you are truly hopeful in the spirit of tomorrow, the excitement of next week, the intricacies of Saturdays at the family stables, you will find no greater champion, no stronger alliance, no simpler way to express your identity, than by exercising your Constitutionally guaranteed suffrage and selecting the Democratic Party at your local polling station. It is as simple as that, my friends. As simple and glorious as that. Juxtapose that with what I bet you the other party would do: enact prohibitive, Orwellian policies that masquerade as common-sense initiatives in order to make our collective American consciousness more complicated and confusing, eventually creating a pock-marked landscape so damaged by corruption you can hardly recognize the America common people like you and I hold near and dear. My friends, your vote for the Democrats can put America back on track, and reclaim for all generations the true spirit of this great nation. Simplicity. Democrats. Freedom. America. I'm John Kerry.