Bill Frist Has 12 Things to Do Today

1. Wake, shower, and groom while humming Queen's "You're My Best Friend."
2. Pretend to be President in the full-length mirror. Practice stern voice while taking make-believe call from Pelosi.
3. Admire medical certificates in downstairs study. Quantify contributions to society.
4. Down four McGriddles on drive to work. Wipe mouth with sleeve.
5. Snub Santorum for third time this week while basking in imaginary applause.
6. Diagnose random man in hallway with chronic fatigue syndrome. Base diagnosis on single yawn.
7. Contemplate calling the White House for several hours. Pick up the phone three times without dialing. Slam phone down yelling "Oh, damn it to hell, Karl!" Have no recollection of the outburst when asked moments later by a concerned senior aide.
8. Experience soul-crushing anxiety attack over the political damage produced by repeated compromise; longingly finger fake "Nuclear Option" button McConnell gave him during the glory days.
9. Continue pretending support for intelligent design doesn't crap all over degree from Harvard. Bite finger for a while.
10. Remind colleagues again that he actually opposed federal funding for stem cell research before he supported it.
11. Doze off in desk chair after counting money--have that recurring nightmare about being Hillary's Veep.
12. Walk home hoping to be recognized, but instead mistaken for Alan Thicke by plastered college freshman.