Leaked McClellen Diaries Surface in Wake of Resignation

Following politics be a family affair, and brother Charlie T. Mickelson Jr. has been doing some snooping and struck gold. Our sincere thanks to Chuck for this contribution. So enjoy, you Princes and Princesses of the Internet, you Kings and Queens of the Blogs.

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Washington, DC--Following his romantic and selfless announcement of resignation, newly-former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellen appeared to be genuinely moved (and noticeably erect) when speaking at the shoulder his longtime boss. But in a stunning development, Spank Media has been presented with an excerpt from McClellen's diary entry from the morning he made the announcement. It is presented here, in its entirety, without comment:


Goodbye Day
9:00AM

Dear Diary,

Diary, today I write to you the words I have held in for so long I felt I would burst. Words I never thought I would have a chance to say. Prepare yourself.

Fuck You Helen Thomas, you fucking fuck whore.


9:30AM

Excuse me Diary, but I'm so ashamed. I've experienced yet another spontaneous ejaculation and my Bushie Boner has not subsided since I woke up. Five months now I've been saying I need to talk to someone about this. When does a man know he's losing it?

Honestly Diary, what did she ever want from me? What did any of them want? You think I really knew what the fuck was going on up there? Who do they think I am? Fleisher?

I know, I know, I'm still not over that Prick. Ari was smart, but how hard is it to be Press Boy when the POTUS has a 98% fucking approval rating. Jesus! Ari was drunk half the time! Just send George out on a burning pile of rubble with a bullhorn and tell the Press Corps to finger fuck themselves. All smug and shit. Easy as choking on a pretzel.

I need a drink.


10:15AM

Fuck everything. Dee Dee had Mr. Teflon Chubby Chaser and everyone just loved him. Hell, she was one of their kind! They threw flowers at her! And ME, Diary? Have you paid attention to the horseshit coming out of my mouth on a daily basis? They are killing me out there! And do I get a break? POTUS says, "Hey scooter, just tell them not to mess with a Texas-sized cock. Heh Heh. Go tell 'em that, Heh Heh Heh." And I say, "Oh, Mr. President Sir, another zinger! But you know I can't say 'Texas-sized cock' to the press corps." But he just smirks, "Hekuva job Scooter!" Probably gets hand-jobs from Karl. I could eat my goddamn shoe.


10:48AM

Like I ever gave a crap about Andy Card's opinions. I still think the bullhorn thing would have worked in New Orleans.


11:00AM

Just got a call from VP wishing me well. Whatever Fuckface. Not only do I have a POTUS with a 38% approval rating (which takes TALENT to work with Ari, TALENT, you tight-ass) but you have to go and FUCKING SHOOT A MAN IN THE FUCKING HEAD!!!! And I know you secretly hate that it was me and not Ari when that happened. I KNOW IT. Oh, and I'm sure Ari would have been sooooo cool about it. Probably just make up some shit like, "Look, he shot a Republican. You still think he's too partisan now, bitches?"

That would have been a cool thing to say. God I sucked at this.

My erection is starting to hurt.


12:01PM

POTUS called and I have to go let the cat out of the bag. I don't know when we will talk next Diary, but I do know that I won't have to take this shit anymore. POTUS thinks we should get together back in Crawford and "hang." LOL. Hang this, you turd.

And Fuck you Helen.

Yours,
Scotty