McClellan Resigns, Replaced by Old Tire

White House Aims to "Adjust the Role" of the Press Secretary

Breaking News

Washington, DC--In a move that intensifies recent staff shake ups in the Bush Administration, Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced his resignation today on the White House lawn. Flanked by the President, McClellan noted that his departure will provide more time for family, burgers, and masturbation.

The resignation surprised few in Washington. Signals of imminent staff changes were put forth by the President and other administration officials earlier this week, including the new White House Chief of Staff, Joshua Bolten.

McClellan has long been on the front lines of the Bush Administration's struggle to demolish dissent and define truth. Since taking over for Ari Fleisher in 2003, McClellan served during several especially contentious periods of the President's tenure. It's this fact that one official privately admits has taken its toll on "an otherwise jolly guy. Maybe not a guy you would want to hang out with--ever--but you know, a chatterbox type you can politely ignore."

Replacing McClellan will be an old tire. Surprised by the choice, members of the White House Press Corps rudely interrupted today's proceedings with dozens of incredulous questions for the President. Deflecting beautifully, Bush smiled and hinted that the relationship between the press and the White House is about to change dramatically.

"I'm the decider," said Bush. "I get to decide."

The President briefly explained that his administration aims to "adjust the role of the [press] secretary in kind of a way as to change the way he works and comments on issues. And by that I mean, change makes things different."

"This is a good tire that's fit for this job, ready to attend to the business of the American people," stated Bush. Neither he nor Mr. McClellan commented today on when the old tire would hold its first press briefing.

Prior to today's announcement, rumors about outgoing White House staff and potential successors were plentiful. Speculation on a replacement for McClellan ranged from a particularly cute kitten to a FOX News commentator. However, many skeptics cast doubt on those possibilities. Said one analyst, "I can see how either of those two could be floated for Scott's job, but there's just no way. That's just a tad too fucked to be true."