Bush Administration Plans to Relax Rules on Beating People

Washington, DC--The White House plans to relax long-standing regulations that prohibit citizens from beating the living crap out of people they don’t like, according to a position statement leaked to media outlets yesterday. Drafted by administration lawyers, the documents offer a harsh critique of Federal and state assault laws while outlining a strategy to establish unprecedented leniency with regard to the prosecution of person-on-person beatings.

At the heart of the administration’s position is the claim that physical assault is a crucial tool in the enforcement of President Bush’s indisputable moral mandate. Taking issue with what it calls the “pervasive myth that violence is senseless,” the White House contends that allowing more beatings will help promote freedom and curb the spread of extremist attitudes and undesirable lifestyles. Under revised regulations, beatings perpetrated by patriots engaged in defending America’s honor will be condoned, as will the thrashing of some dumbass pervert. The new rules will also ease the unfair burden of blame placed on beaters of “people who need to shut up, people who are always being stupid, and smart alecs who deserve a pop in the first place.”

Word of the administration’s plan has incited widespread outrage among weak-hearted pussies. Among many overblown complaints, some analysts reviewing the documents charge that the President is once again providing special favor to such GOP-friendly groups as oil industry executives and the religious right. Both groups are depicted in the leaked documents as “hardworking beaters too often snagged by big government red tape.”

Meanwhile, congressional leaders of the wimp persuasion whined about the plan, which they termed “a shocking affront to the personal safety and liberties of Americans, a dumbfounding legalization of unwarranted brutality…” blah, blah, blah.

The White House has remained silent on the leaked documents since reports of their existence surfaced. Barraged by an endless stream of questions from the totally pathetic softies that constitute the White House Press Corps, Press Secretary Tony Snow deflected all related inquiries during Thursday’s daily briefing, telling reporters to “just unwad their panties for a minute and settle, for Christ’s sake.” Mr. Snow eventually grew bored with calling on reporters and ate a Snickers bar at the podium.

“Look, it’s White House policy not to comment on things that could freak people out,” Snow said, his mouth full of candy bar. “The radical left is trying to turn an unconfirmed media report into a shit storm while the White House is busy trying to keep Americans safe. La. Dee. Fucking. Dah. Anyway, happy hour is at Louie’s tonight and I’m not buying ‘cause I’m tired of that crap. Buy your own damn booze.”