It’s Knives Out for Allen and Santorum

This leans a bit (okay, a lot) toward the gossip side of things, but just in case it goes unreported elsewhere, we thought a post was in order. It seems that Senators George Allen and Rick Santorum have been on the outs recently. As evidenced by a pile of nasty, handwritten notes--“heroically” swiped by a disgruntled congressional page while in the midst of a “catastrophic” hangover--Santorum and Allen traded blows throughout last week. It’s unclear who threw the first punch, but it seems that Santorum was definitely frustrated with Allen, whose reelection campaign has attracted loads of negative attention following his infamous “macaca” gaffe.

Needless to say we reviewed the notes this weekend very carefully (between games and after several beers). Honestly, we found ourselves wishing for confirmation of a juicier tiff, but we can’t resist sharing a few snippets. We pick up about mid-way through the melee. Enjoy.


Santorum to Allen: Nice work celebrating your family roots this week, Asswipe. You didn’t know?? You eat ham sandwiches? Wow, check out Senator Sensitive! Way to recover from the worst campaign blunder of the season, you canker.

Allen to Santorum: Awww, why so cranky? No one interested in your new dog sex manifesto? Watch out, Grandma, ‘cause Ricky says dog fucking is bad. You better vote Republican! Oh, and get bent.

Santorum: For your information, Captain Heritage, I’ve been spouting perfectly ridiculous nonsense all week and I can’t get an inch of headline space thanks to your amateur-hour antics. Find any new ways to spray shit all over the GOP?

Allen: Hey Dick, Do you hear a dog barking? What is that? I’ve been been hearing its little yap all week.

Santorum: Hey, I just thought of something! Have you thought about issuing another apology? I hear the 9th time is a charm.

Allen: Maybe the little guy just needs a milkbone. Do you think he'd quit whining if he got boned?

Santorum: Oh, lookey here at the cover of the New York Times: “Senator Macaca Says More Dumb Shit.” Goody for you!

Allen: I know my dog barks a lot when she’s hungry. Have you thought of asking Sam Brownback to stuff a Bible in your piehole?

Santorum: Is that what they do in the “real Virginia” or the real California burbs where you grew up? Pray tell, why does a California kid love the Confederate flag so much anyway?

Allen: Sadly, sometimes a bitch barks so much you have to drop her off on a farm and forget about her. It’s better for some dogs to get mange.

Santorum: Oh, congratulations! Have you seen today’s LA Times? “Local Kid Grows Up to Be Idiot Southern Senator.”

Allen: Yap, yap, yap. Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap.