Dick Cheney Has 12 Things to Do Today

1. Wake before dawn, take coffee on upstairs balcony. Stare out at the dark planet and ponder the roots of evil. Wonder how long until civilization degenerates completely into terrorist-fueled anarchy.
2. Fill sack with puppies and throw it against basement wall. Get naked and breakfast on raw potatoes.
3. Head to White House for early meeting. Berate President for appearing confused in previous day’s press conference; remind him to stick to the plan “or else”; remind him to memorize talking points with more care; ask impatiently how many times he needs to go over this crap; kick trash can over for effect.
4. Sit for interview with USA Today. Inform reporter that casualties in Iraq are down 300 percent. Explain that if Kerry had been elected we would all be dead by now.
5. Go back to White House for a meeting with top executive staff. Fly into rage at an incidental mention of Patrick Fitzgerald; spit profanity and pound fists on the table. Slowly regain composure when Bolten softly reminds, “Dick, your heart. Please, Dick, take it easy. We’re all friends here.”
6. Pass Karl in West Wing hallway. Offer a civil “hello.” Turn and stare at Rove as he continues down the hall and disappears around a corner. Stand still with eyes locked on that spot for several minutes.
7. Lunch on whole chicken and carton of milk.
8. Cancel afternoon meetings to research modern weaponry online. Watch restricted-access military videos showing carnage caused by 1,000-lb bombs. Wring hands and clap in prolonged intervals; make fighter jet sounds. Ignore phone calls.
9. Emerge from office disheveled. Alarm secretaries by sitting on the floor as if confused. Recognize wife Lynn when she arrives to take him back to the residence. Listen while she thanks staff for their discretion on “his bad days.”
10. Attend evening fundraiser, refreshed and alert. Spend inordinate amount of time talking with Karen Hughes, blocking out her noticeable discomfort. Come within a hair of asking her out. Give speech and spot the specter of Nixon sitting at a table near the podium. Notice that Nixon is wagging his finger. Ignore this hallucination like all the others.
11. Pop open a couple Schlitz after arriving home. Wander outside with shotgun to fire off a few rounds while buzzed. Snack on tree bark.
12. Retire to bedroom and put on “Veep of Darkness” pajamas. Thank God for war. Sleep like a baby.