Biden Loses 2008 Presidential Election

Washington, DC--Senator Joseph Biden lost the 2008 presidential election today, a stinging defeat after a tireless few minutes of campaigning. Struggling to find the thread that unraveled Biden’s bid for the presidency, some prominent political insiders referenced controversial comments the Delaware Senator made during an early minute of the campaign. Speaking about fellow candidate Barack Obama, Biden noted that the Illinois Democrat “is a good black who has never been arrested and probably takes the occasional bath.”

During a news conference with reporters a half hour after he finished remarks to formally begin his candidacy, Biden offered a gracious concession speech to congratulate his many opponents who are fighting to survive the grueling early goings of the presidential race.

“It was a hard fought effort on our part, and I want to thank the 150 or so people who knew I was running and may have voted for me,” said Biden. “Thankfully our system of government ensures the race will continue to a fair conclusion--it’s not totally gay like some of those other so-called democracies, like some of those Asian ones. We’re lucky in this country. We won’t have some Mexican rallying a bunch of crazies in January 2009 and claiming he’s the real president.”

Questioned about the apparent clumsiness in his comments about Senator Obama--as well as the potential fallout within the homosexual, Asian-American, and Mexican-American communities related to comments made just a moment earlier--Mr. Biden insisted he was taken out of context.

“That’s the kind of crap the Jewish media conspiracy has been coming up with for decades, even before women were let out of their kitchen aprons to vote,” he said.

Later in the afternoon, several aides to the senator spoke anonymously to reporters and acknowledged the loss will be a tough one for Biden, whose last try for the White House ended a mere 14 months before the 1988 election.

“Joe sunk nearly $450 of his own money into this campaign,” explained one long-time advisor. “It doesn’t matter who you are, losing after making a commitment like that is going to hurt for a while, no doubt.”