Everyone Loves Bush’s New Plan for Iraq

Experts Expect President to Ride Wave of Good Will Straight Into Iran

Everywhere--Everyone is just gaga over President Bush’s new plan for Iraq, media sources everywhere reported Friday. Bush’s plan to increase the American presence in Iraq by more than 20,000 troops met supreme adoration in all quarters this week and further solidified the President’s place among America’s most skilled policymakers. The plan will be put into action immediately no matter what anyone says. Within a relatively short time it will help create a lasting democracy in Iraq and anyone who thinks otherwise is a traitorous fuck.

All over today, people of all kinds heaped praise on the new Iraq plan, known as “The New Way Forward.” Many observers were quick to tout Bush’s brilliance in complementing his previous masterwork of Iraq strategy, “The Way Forward.”

“Best! President! Ever!” exclaimed Sara Davenport, a graduate student in political science and history at Stanford University. “The man has used the gentle hands of American foreign policy to spin pure gold, yet again. The first plan was great, but the new plan holds such sweet promise. It’s like the Hershey Bar of war strategies.”

Ms. Davenport spent much of Wednesday night and Thursday roaming aimlessly around Palo Alto in a run-down Volvo, using a bullhorn to shout about the President’s awesome plan. Several residents joyfully told reporters about being woken up in the early morning by Ms. Davenport’s spirited announcements, including many fellow Stanford students who ran after her car and tossed flowers while singing the national anthem.

On Wall Street the markets were closed on Friday for a big party in celebration of the President’s plan. A loose group of brokers joined together and took the unusual step of donating profits from the previous day's trading in order to cater the party and invite the general public. Within minutes the New York Stock Exchange was alive with New Yorkers of all stripes hailing Bush’s strategy and partying the day away. As an added treat, John Mellencamp--in the city for a late-night talk show taping--showed up and gave a surprise concert.

“More troops in Iraq is better than the Yankees in the World Series, it’s better than the Jets in the Super Bowl,” said teary-eyed broker Geoff Taylor while handing a plate of pressed duck to a homeless man. “I’m sorry [about crying],” said Taylor, “it’s just so overwhelming…the way the President listens, considers, and leads all of us to a better place.”

In Washington, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid helped organize an unscheduled joint session of Congress in order to applaud the President. Foreshadowing what will surely be a rambunctious State of the Union address, members of Congress packed the House Chamber and clapped for a solid hour. Senators and Representatives alike danced and chanted, and many shared long and tender embraces as the cheering wore on into the afternoon.

“It’s a pretty emotional time,” noted Republican Senator Lindsay Graham, departing the Capitol en route to an exclusive Iraq Plan party in downtown Washington. “You can feel it in the Chamber and out here on the street. Everyone knows we’re on a roll. With the visionary leadership of the President and the kind of success we’ll have in Baghdad when The New Way Forward takes effect, well, I’d be shakin’ in my boots if I were in Iran. Just imagine the triumph we’ll have there.”