Condoleezza Rice Has 12 Things to Do Today

1. Execute morning routine to perfection: Spring out of bed at 4:00 a.m. Pray. Stretch. Rock the treadmill while the stereo blares Wagner. Shower. Guzzle specially formulated breakfast shake. Dress in killer suit. Practice saying yes to the President.
2. Nail morning briefings with senior officials. Stifle giggles whenever the President speaks. Continue personal crusade to turn “Barbara Boxer” into a negative descriptor: “I’m not sure I see your point, Mr. Secretary. Damn it, don’t Barbara Boxer me on this. If I want Boxerism I’ll go in front of one of those repulsive Senate panels.”
3. Meet with State Department staff on strategies for upcoming meetings with Quartet leaders. Secretly wish she could bag the whole trip. Stare off into space for a bit. Write IRAN several times in the margins of her notes.
4. Sit straight-faced during a morning interview with MSNBC. Revise history with characteristic eloquence.
5. Ignore two calls from Cheney. Downplay the increasing creepiness in his voicemail messages. He’s just tired--he’s a good guy who needs a break. Everybody rambles like that in a voicemail once in a while. Anyone can get carried away.
6. Say yes to the President.
7. Prank call Karl Rove. When he answers, say “Fatwhiteguysayswhat? Excuse me? Chronicmasturbatoresayswhat? I’m sorry?”
8. Schedule 20-minute block of “me time” after lite lunch. Relax on office couch and drift into a dream: George Clooney eyes her from across a crowded street. She meets Falwell at a fundraiser and tells him to stick it. She goes to a glitzy Hollywood awards show and Jaime Foxx seeks her out in the crowd. Oh, how that man can sing. He motions her to the stage and stretches out on top of a spotless grand piano, puts on his Ray glasses. The house lights dim. She starts playing a bit of Ellington. Katie Couric stands in the shadows backstage, waving and winking suggestively. Soon the spotlight’s heat puts Foxx in a sweat, Condi notices the hall is empty, they’re all alone...
9. Wake to the phone ringing; tell Rove she didn’t call him earlier. Make up excuses about nonstop meetings, explain that she wasn’t even near a phone, and then deflect by getting snippy about reports she requested from the White House. Demand to know where they are. Go on about “the hold up over there” and tell him to “make it snappy this time.”
10. Buzz aides, pretend to be swamped. Tell them to order take out, but no Thai this time, enough already with the Thai. Visit www.rice2008.com and log in as “True Believer 12.” Order six Condi bobble heads, post comments all over the Condiblogs, and take the Condi Poll again.
11. Call Rove. Of course he answers--he’s always there, he’s just asking for it. “Shitflowersayswhat? I beg your pardon?”
12. Wrap up a little early. Summon her driver and tell him to take the long way tonight. Ask again if he wants to go skinny dipping in the Potomac. Chuckle with him over their little joke until they pass the White House. Fall silent. Take a nip of the scotch she keeps under the seat. Take another nip. Then another.