A Lame Duck’s Agenda

The 2008 election cycle is kicking into gear. Hooray for all of us. However, this development also signals that the wildly successful Bush presidency is winding down. We wonder: what will be the highlights of Bush’s final months in office? Here are some of our best guesses, with thanks to a spectacular Miller High Life buzz:

• Deliver several more manly announcements aboard aircraft carriers.
• Abolish public approval ratings.
• Award the Medal of Freedom to Karl Rove.
• Make vaginas illegal.
• Create the U.S. Department of Promise Keepers.
• Publish Dissolving Civil Liberties for Dummies.
• Establish “Ice Cream Fridays” at Guantanamo Bay.
• Abandon press conferences. Communicate via prerecorded videos starring a greased-up monkey named Elroy.
• Discontinue “Urine Saturdays” at Guantanamo Bay.
• Issue special Proclamation of Blame to former President Clinton.
• Declare victory in Iraq during what will come to be known as Bush’s “You’re Welcome” speech.