MoveOn.org Wants to Hold Hands With Ahmadinejad

Portland, OR—In a bizarre announcement today, irrelevant left-wing activist organization MoveOn.org said it plans to hold hands with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. A spokesman for the group stated that hand-holding with the outspoken leader will commence whenever and wherever the group first encounters him. A rationale for the idea was not revealed.

“Our hands will be together and our fingers interlocked,” stated a blushing Eli Pariser, Executive Director of Political Action at MoveOn. “It will be a special time for MoveOn and Mr. Ahmadinejad as we move toward first base together, and maybe second.”

“Unless hand-holding is considered first base,” Pariser continued. “Is first base kissing? To be honest we’ve never understood which base means what—especially third.”

Ahmadinejad, whose visit to the United States this week sparked controversy, did not respond to MoveOn’s cocksure prediction of impending romantic contact. Instead, the Iranian President was busy receiving absurd amounts of attention, as politicians, public officials, and others within the U.S. stoked the image of Ahmadinejad as America’s top enemy.

Speaking briefly with reporters, Ahmadinejad thanked Americans for embarrassing themselves so thoroughly.

“Really, this has been wonderful,” said Ahmadinejad. “I knew I would attract a few cameras, but never in my wildest dreams did I expect to be refused access to Ground Zero. And yet you came through. Your show of principles is truly impressive. Thanks again.”

Although Ahmadinejad did not mention MoveOn’s peculiar public advances, media experts say the possibility that the two will make out is as real as ever.

The MoveOn announcement marks the second time in weeks the organization has baited media attention. In early September MoveOn grabbed headlines for an advertisement that attacked General David Petraeus, commander of U.S. forces in Iraq. In that ad, MoveOn rhymed the general’s last name with the words “betray us” because that’s the best they could come up with.

Brilliantly, the MoveOn ad brought loads of scorn to the anti-war left, provided months’ worth of fodder for media blowhards, and earned an official admonishment from Congress. Whether MoveOn’s latest move will hit similar heights is unknown, but it’s clear that’s what the organization is hoping for.

Said Pariser, “Any day we distract Americans from what’s important and shine a light on ourselves is a good day.”


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Reported by Spank Mickelson with thanks to his editors.