Clinton Takes New Hampshire, Drops Plan to Penalize Americans for Iowa Loss

Manchester, NH—Hillary Clinton’s impressive upset victory over Barack Obama in yesterday’s New Hampshire presidential primary has revitalized her campaign and spared millions of Americans from harm, according to anonymous Clinton strategists. The win not only keeps Mrs. Clinton in the race, but it negates her plan to ruthlessly punish Americans for jeopardizing her right to the Democratic nomination.

“Thank you, New Hampshire,” Clinton exclaimed as a crowd of supporters erupted in applause. “Thank you for proving the polls wrong and showing America how to follow orders.”

“Because of you,” continued Clinton, “we’re going to take our fight to the rest of the nation. We’re in this for the long run. And if Americans who know what’s good for them follow your lead, we’ll reshape the presidency into a private club occupied by two power families. We’ll make sure that partisanship and hopeful divisiveness continue to thrive.”

Clinton did not mention the penalties she is thought to have planned for Americans following her embarrassment in Iowa. However, insiders suggest that New Hampshire’s registered Democrats saved the country from a nightmare so relentless we would wish we were never born.

Making the most of her first victory speech, Clinton promised to continue running a strong campaign up to and after her mandatory coronation at this year’s Democratic convention.

“I pledge to you, the good and compliant voters of New Hampshire, to make sure my inspiring message is heard everywhere,” said Clinton. “I pledge a tone so overwhelmingly positive that the insubordinate misogynists in Iowa will weep for weeks over their grave folly. You see, my strongest opponent may have lines of supporters a mile long everywhere he speaks, and he may have lines of warm and fuzzy rhetoric for foolhardy voters who like to play with fire, and he may have lines of another kind up the nose of his past, but we all know you need more than that to be an effective president. Thank you, New Hampshire, and thank you, America. I’m glad we understand each other.”