Huckabee Finds Strength in His Faith, Hatred of Gays

Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is on the rise. Despite lagging badly in polls since launching his campaign, the former Arkansas Governor and evangelical minister suddenly has political analysts contemplating whether he may yet become the candidate of choice for America’s conservative Christian voters.

While it’s obvious Huckabee’s struggle to get to this point has not been easy, the candidate isn’t surprised by his increasing popularity. And he’s not the only one. Ask any of Huckabee’s aides and they’ll immediately credit him with an inspirational strength deeply rooted in Christian faith and hatred of gay people.

“With Mike you have a tireless, driven candidate who continually draws strength from two key areas,” one advisor would have said if we’d asked. “First, he approaches most political issues from a religious standpoint that harmonizes with his deep faith in God, Jesus Christ, and all of the benevolent teachings in Christianity. Second, he just hates the gays.”

Such convictions are evident in Huckabee’s stances on key issues, even though he occasionally draws the ire of Republican voters. For example, although he opposed the so-called “amnesty bill” that failed in June, Huckabee supports the provision of basic health services to illegal immigrants, instead of just letting them rot or whatever. Additionally, Huckabee’s stance on energy policy is often viewed as too green when compared to his GOP rivals, a posture the candidate attributes to a holy obligation to protect the environment.

Perhaps not as surprising, Huckabee’s positions on notable social issues include opposition to abortion, strong support for traditional marriage, and a steadfast interest in restricting liberty and human dignity for all homosexuals.

“And that’s what keeps me going when I’m feeling down,” Huckabee might say if you got him half drunk. “Knowing I have to guard against them. The way they strut and make a mockery. As if they’re entitled to it, you know? You see, the way I see it is we have two wars: There’s the war in the Middle East against the Islamics, the war against the gays, and the war against Christ, or I mean the war for Christ. For our Lord Jesus.”

“Seriously, I can stop it. All this decadence, I mean,” Huckabee might continue if you got him undeniably shit-faced. “It’s like they’re trying to cram it down your throat, if you know what I mean. But not that way. Not the way you think. Oh, stop laughing. Not the way you think, you little punk errand boy for the PC army of Massachusetts. You Hillary supporter. Oh, don’t shake your head. Don’t deny it. Don’t try to pretend like you know I won’t demolish her in the general erection. Don’t placate me, boy!”

“It’s because Jesus is the one gives me my strength,” slurs Huckabee, now that you’ve gotten him so trashed that his eyes are barely open and he’s about to pass out. “And that’s because I am a child of his Father, the Lord on the right hand, because the left is the wrong hand. You notice that in the scriptures, did’ncha punk? Stupid little lefty media whore. Jesus sits hisself at the right hand of the Lord. Right. Now watch my hand. Watch this hand…my hand. Look at my hand, I said. Goddamn it. Look at the hand of the Lord. You will know me and his name when we make it right by a damn sight, you will. Bet your ass. Unless you’re some kinda queer.”