Half-Drunk Analysis: Media Criticism of Obama Increasing as Democratic Contest Continues

Once Your Buzz Is Working It’s Clear That News Organizations, Pundits Blame Obama for Not Being the Messiah

The agonizing Democratic primary season is far from over, and with each day that passes criticism of its frontrunner grows more frequent. A half-drunk but way credible news analysis by Affirming the Least Sincere (ATLS) shows unequivocally that Senator Barack Obama is under increasing fire from media organizations, the pundit class, and political operatives within the media who disguise themselves as impartial experts. Indeed, on all media networks and in all newspapers everywhere, the rising number of anti-Obama material suggests that everybody should hate him now. He’s a big jerk face. He's a secret Muslim communist who is also not our savior and he cannot perform miracles because he is too young and arrogant. And besides, he and his wife hate America and go to that terrible church. Fuck that guy.

Our analysis was conducted last night at McCracken’s Pub after each of us had downed four or five Eggenbergs. We began by carefully eating three plates of buffalo wings while mocking Michael Savage mercilessly, and from there we inexplicably detoured into a brief argument concerning Major League Baseball’s American League East division before turning to methodical bitching about how watching certain MSNBC commentators talk politics is only slightly more appealing than performing acupuncture on one’s testicles. We then compared strategies for fighting existential dread caused by xenophobic assholes, wherein each of us was careful to acknowledge that “a 2-day bender” is not a healthy treatment for accidental exposure to Rush Limbaugh’s Open-Line Friday. After a slightly uncomfortable silence, someone skillfully ordered more beer and we pivoted into a group debriefing of the “red-light” hoax in the skies over Arizona the other night, how it reminded everyone of the famous “Phoenix Lights” incidents of 1997, at which point Barack Obama happened to be pictured on two channels above the bar and we all came to the unanimous conclusion that mainstream media is stocked with a repulsive crew of character assassins who want to teach Obama a lesson for thinking he’s special. Our study also found that, given the remarkable success and tenor of the Obama candidacy, it’s highly likely that a vast conspiracy has formed among the power elite to drag his ass into the muck with everybody else. We know you’re a Harvard man with a crush on Karl Marx. We know you think you’ll get herpes if you actually hang around with the proletariat. We’ve got your number, and in a couple of months those lunchbucket Democrats who voted for Clinton will be clamoring to have you deported back to Iraqastan.

One doesn’t need to knock back six pints to achieve clarity, but it helps, and our mildly inebriated examination reveals troubling media trends that indicate a regular tsunami of bullshit is forthcoming. Our analysis also provides ample justification for wanting to put your drunk face on the table. That’s right, we say put thy drunk face down, put it down! Move that last glass out of the way, throw it on the floor, whatever. It doesn’t matter. Easy now...slow down. No one’s gonna care if you just take a little 5-minute nap. The wait staff is cool with it—we do it all the time. We’ll watch your stuff. That’s it, just relax. Allow the moderately interesting rock cranking from the jukebox to roll over you in riffs. Notice the peculiar way in which the loud voices and laughter and clinking glasses of the bar blur into a satisfying hum. Isn’t that nice? No Chris Wallace. No George Stephanopoulos. No CNN Best Political Team. Just that fine, buzzy hum. Now you’re getting it. Put your drunk face down. Put it down.