Samantha Tinkerston Worried Obama Is Breaking Up With Her

Sources Say She Knows It’s Over

Wilmette, IL—Sources close to Samantha Tinkerston say the Illinois teen is growing increasingly worried that her boyfriend, Barack Obama, plans to break up with her. If true this would mark the end of what friends and relatives call Samantha’s on-and-off relationship with Obama that began in December of last year.

“Samantha loves Obama,” groans little sister Dawn. “She actually broke up with him in March, I think. Or maybe it was February. It was cold because I was in my Hannah Montana jacket when she told me,” said Dawn. “But then she took him back when Darryl Thompson didn’t invite her to the 7th grade dance. Boys are stupid, and so is Samantha. And that’s why they’re breaking up.”

According to Samantha’s top BFF, Lucy Rodriguez, Samantha began worrying about being dumped by Obama last Monday after gym.

“She said Obama promised he was all about hope and change but that she knew he would end up on the wrong side of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, and that it would totally mean he was about to break up with her,” said Rodriguez. “And then just like she predicted he supported FISA. Now she knows what’s coming and won’t eat her tater tots at lunch, and they’re her OMFG favorite food, even though she pretends not to like them or any other food whenever Darryl’s around.”

Lucy’s account of Samantha’s worry matches the timeframe recounted by Dawn and 10-year-old neighbor Cindy Hoytsdoyle. Both girls report “big changes” in Samantha that began early last week.

“She went to her room last Monday night after dinner and started listening to Bright Eyes,” said Dawn. “She locked the door and turned off all the lights except her desk light. She was trying to be real serious with that dumb, boring music. And since then she hasn’t let me in her room, not even to get her old Nancy Drew books even though mom said I could read them if I wanted, which I think is pretty cool since Martha’s mom won’t let her read them ever. Martha smells funny some days though. She smells like oatmeal. And her parents go to that one church on Splendid Way that no one else we know goes to—the one dad said is full of crazy people.”

Sipping a Slurpee next to her parents’ Volvo, Cindy offered a similar account.

“Samantha definitely thinks she’s going to get dumped,” she said. “I saw a sign she put on her door that said, ‘Hope Is Just a Word.’ Then the next day on the bus we saw her blue notebook said, ‘You Can Believe He’ll Change and Break Your Heart.’ I think she’s pretty upset about it. But I guess we should have seen this coming since Obama’s started making tactical shifts toward the center in what amounts to an obvious ploy to woo independent voters, many of whom are already breaking away from McCain. If you ask me, Samantha did this to herself when she fell for a politician.”

While each source close to Samantha confirmed that the teen is beside herself with worry, none offered a prediction about when her relationship with Obama will end. Moreover, none would confirm that the two are together at all.

“Look,” says Lucy. “She knows it’s over, but it never really began. It’s hard to explain, and I don’t want to be mean about it or make her so mad that she takes back her Lacoste sweater or unfriends me from her MySpace, because her updates are always my excuse to talk with Brad, and me not talking to Brad CAN’T HAPPEN. But at the same time I think she wasn’t thinking clearly when she bought into all that Yes We Can rhetoric. Did she really think Obama wouldn’t try to make himself seem more electable? It’s like when that skank Darlene Papelbon broke up with Troy to date Brad just so his friends would vote for her for Class Treasurer because she is a really awful person and I hate her. I’m not saying that what Obama’s doing is that horrible. I’m just saying that Darlene is a bitch-face. I’m also saying Samantha should’ve known Obama would reverse his positions on a issues like NAFTA and public financing as we get closer to the fall. She fell too hard for January Obama.”

Whatever the state of the relationship, Samantha Tinkerston is not offering a definitive sign to anyone inside or outside the Tinkerston home. Not surprisingly, the lovesick teen declined to be interviewed for this report.

“She’ll get over him,” said Lucy. “I IM her all the time to let her know he isn’t worth it. I think it’s cheering her up. Last night she cracked a smiley-face emoticon in one of her replies. Just don’t be surprised if she trashes all her Obama gear.”