The Straight Talk Advertising Company

The McCain camp is doing a bang-up job running the professional, respectful campaign they promised. Despite all the blubber from pundits and media types, it’s easy to see how McCain’s Celeb ad helps fulfill the candidate’s commitment to intelligent dialogue.

Over these last few days we’ve been wondering what ads might be coming next from the masters of straight talk. Our humble suggestions follow.

Makes You Wonder

Dark clouds appear on the screen followed by a lightning strike. The audience watches a desolate landscape being pelted by a storm. A steady bass drum beats in the background. An ominous narrator speaks as his words flash in red on the screen: “Cancer. September 11. Salmonella Outbreaks. Illegal Immigrants. Jonbenet Ramsey. West Nile Virus. The Housing Crisis. Lead-Laced Toys From China. Suicide Bombers. AIDS. Where was Barack Obama?”

The Real Barack

This ad opens with a beach scene—bright sun, blue water, and golden sand. Only ocean waves and seagulls can be heard. For several seconds nothing on the screen moves, perhaps tricking viewers into thinking this is the latest ad from Corona. The camera then pans to three young women sunbathing in bikinis. The shot stops there and remains still. No other people are on the beach. A relaxed narrator speaks between the sounds of waves breaking on the shore: “Looks great out there today. Barack Obama would certainly love it.”

Who Is Barack Hussein?

The ad begins with a black screen and gloomy, synthesized music. Pictures of Obama begin to fly by, one after another. The pictures of Obama are soon interspersed with others: headshots of Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan, Vladimir Lenin, and Oscar the Grouch; an American flag lapel pin discarded in a pile of trash; images of various natural disasters; long lines of cars at gas stations. A skeptical narrator speaks: “People are talking. Who is Barack Hussein Obama? What does he believe in? Where did Barack Obama come from? Did he come from space? Is Barack Obama dangerous? Does he want to put children in jail? People are talking. Is Barack Hussein Obama going to raise our taxes? Does he think high gas prices are good for your family? If Barack Obama thinks high gas prices are good for your family, why? People are talking. Why does Barack Obama hang out with crazy people? Did he really attend that Muslim church in Chicago? What is a Muslim church? Where is Chicago? People are talking about Barack Hussein Obama. People have a lot of questions. But we may never know the answers. Thanks for nothing, Barack Obama.”

John McCain: Real McCoy

Inspiring, patriotic music opens this spot with a surge of energy. The sounds of snare drums and brass instruments suggest themes such as honor, service, and commitment. Footage of McCain smiling and flanked by his aides rolls by, mingled with still pictures of McCain as a serviceman. The voice of Wilford Brimley gushes: “John McCain: hero, senator, and fighter pilot. One doggone amazing American. Folks, John McCain has been helping guide our country to greatness for years. With two or three political makeovers already under his belt, he’s no fancy new kid on the block. He’s not some slick salesman trying to sell you a roof repair you don’t need. And he’s not trying to sleep with your granddaughter. He’s the real McCoy. A man you can trust. A man who knows wars are for winning, nickels are for saving, and computers are just a lot of gosh-danged bull. This November, do what your old friend Wilford Brimley’s gonna do. Vote for John McCain.”