Heavy Rotation Friday: This Is a Job for a Stupid Man

We had a memorable staff outing last weekend in Baltimore. Thanks to the glory of the Internets, we get to relive a few moments.

As good as they were 15 years ago? Absolutely.

Book Review: Going Rogue

Love her or loathe her, Sarah Palin hasn’t gone anywhere. The one-time governor of Alaska turned vice presidential candidate wants to be certain her last words aren’t from a speech during the failed 2008 campaign, or the enthralling address she delivered when she quit her day job less than a year later.

In her new book, Going Rogue, Mrs. Palin offers up a scintillating tale of intrigue, romance, gritty determination, heartburn, regret, rampant leftism, freedom fighters, enormous and heartbreaking risks, a family pushed to the edge, and enduring faith in the face of heathens. It’s a coming-of-age tale in a world where up is down, left is right, right is right, right is repulsive, dumb-as-pucks is the new hip, and every woman is responsible for her own dreams taking wing. Weaving an unforgettable cast of characters in a tapestry of undulating political calculation, Mrs. Palin leads readers by the nose to a bouquet of revelation as fresh as wild Alaskan air, and by the time it’s over her readers are convinced this hockey mom will darn toot your tootin’ engine up to the glorious sky fettered with the love of Jesus and our Lord God on high in a shower of golden sunbeams. You betcha.

This unforgettable and life-changing book serves as a reintroduction for all of us to the amazing Mrs. Palin. Taking aim at her detractors with razor sharp wit, Palin acts as the judge and jury, setting the record straight and taking names, talking straight, living straight, straight as an arrow in the wind, piercing the hearts of those who hate America and would have her apologize for her hard-working values, or for being moved by the sight of the American flag rippling in the wind on Christmas morning.

Palin’s prose is vibrant and elegantly paced, full of spit, vinegar, verve, and her unique brand of homespun, feisty wisdom. Say what you will about Sarah Palin, but one thing you can’t say after reading Going Rogue is that she’s not an American citizen. Seriously, I was like, Hey! Watch the fuck out! Sarah Palin is going to wipe out the liberals in this country like a tidal wave. She’s going to make them eat the dirt in the ground on which she treads all the way to the presidency, which is where she should be if America had any sense, if Obama hadn’t lied about her and her children for an entire year, and if that awful Katie Couric hadn’t gotten in the way with her gotcha socialist media agenda.

In turns both beautiful and inspiring, Palin gives readers an up close and personal, no-nonsense telling of her life. We learn of her all-American childhood; her apple-pie romance with husband Todd; her acceptance to Yale and Harvard; her time studying abroad (skipping France, of course); her own take on her first National Book Award nomination; her improbable first run for public office; all the babies she gave birth to for the glory of God; why Levi Johnston can go to hell; how the media tried to ruin her life with their awful insistence that she make sense when she talks; her plan for America, assuming the Democrat party doesn’t spend us back to the stone age; and why she is, in fact, not too stupid to breathe air.

Ignorance isn’t just strength; it’s the blessing of the Lord for America’s time in the spotlight, a spotlight shining on the rest of us from Alaska, switched on by the inestimable, indefatigable, indispensable Sarah Palin. In this devastating and humbling memoir, Palin leads us to a better understanding of the complex ways we’re going to the places where we’re getting to. Buy this book. Save your life.

Obama and Afghanistan: The Lost Proposals

Among the news stories circulating this week are reports that President Obama may be close to a decision on whether to increase U.S. involvement in Afghanistan. Numerous outlets have reported that the President continues to weigh proposals regarding troop buildup and counterinsurgency, but that a decision may be announced as soon as Thanksgiving. Top Obama advisers are said to support a plan that would send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan, while others in the administration remain skeptical of increased engagement. It is not clear what option, if any, the President favors.

In any case, it appears Obama’s lengthy review of competing plans and viewpoints is nearing its end. We got to wondering: What about the proposals that didn’t make the cut—the long-shot ideas that didn't survive the first round? We then put zero effort into finding out what these lost proposals were all about. That said, following are our best guesses on the proposals Obama has rejected. Cheers.

Institution of World War I-Era Tactics. As part of an armed forces “retro phase,” the plan called for turn-back-the-clock uniforms, a temporary ban on the use of new-fangled technology, renewed emphasis on the bayonet, and the immediate construction of fortified trenches to protect against the artillery fire of advancing Taliban armies.

Celebrity Regiments. To pep American troops and impress Taliban fighters into immediate submission, celebrities including Regis Philbin, Sarah Palin, Jon Stewart, Orly Taitz, and Keith Olbermann were to lead star-studded divisions into glorious battle. The proposal guaranteed the government exclusive rights to a reality television show called Stars for Stars and Stripes.

Mittens for Everyone. Everyone in Afghanistan, man or woman, boy or girl, Taliban or Viet Cong…free mittens. No strings attached.

CNN Everywhere All the Time. Techies and media consultants in the White House proposed this plan to broadcast CNN exclusively at all times across Afghanistan. A surge of high-definition televisions without off switches were to be placed throughout the country, meaning the likes of Wolf Blitzer would never shut up, ever. Supporters of the plan promised that within days the Afghan population would be drooling and completely compliant with the imposition of American-style democracy. Taliban fighters would drop their arms and surrender, assuming they hadn’t already scratched their faces off.

Target Bombs. Not carpet bombs, not targeted bombs, but Target bombs. This plan called for Target stores from North America to be airlifted in one piece, through spectacular displays of military engineering and Air Force prowess, and dropped on enemy strongholds in Afghanistan. The enormous balls on this tactic were predicted to teabag legions of Taliban fighters to dust, ending the war within a month. But Obama said no.