Obama and Afghanistan: The Lost Proposals

Among the news stories circulating this week are reports that President Obama may be close to a decision on whether to increase U.S. involvement in Afghanistan. Numerous outlets have reported that the President continues to weigh proposals regarding troop buildup and counterinsurgency, but that a decision may be announced as soon as Thanksgiving. Top Obama advisers are said to support a plan that would send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan, while others in the administration remain skeptical of increased engagement. It is not clear what option, if any, the President favors.

In any case, it appears Obama’s lengthy review of competing plans and viewpoints is nearing its end. We got to wondering: What about the proposals that didn’t make the cut—the long-shot ideas that didn't survive the first round? We then put zero effort into finding out what these lost proposals were all about. That said, following are our best guesses on the proposals Obama has rejected. Cheers.

Institution of World War I-Era Tactics. As part of an armed forces “retro phase,” the plan called for turn-back-the-clock uniforms, a temporary ban on the use of new-fangled technology, renewed emphasis on the bayonet, and the immediate construction of fortified trenches to protect against the artillery fire of advancing Taliban armies.

Celebrity Regiments. To pep American troops and impress Taliban fighters into immediate submission, celebrities including Regis Philbin, Sarah Palin, Jon Stewart, Orly Taitz, and Keith Olbermann were to lead star-studded divisions into glorious battle. The proposal guaranteed the government exclusive rights to a reality television show called Stars for Stars and Stripes.

Mittens for Everyone. Everyone in Afghanistan, man or woman, boy or girl, Taliban or Viet Cong…free mittens. No strings attached.

CNN Everywhere All the Time. Techies and media consultants in the White House proposed this plan to broadcast CNN exclusively at all times across Afghanistan. A surge of high-definition televisions without off switches were to be placed throughout the country, meaning the likes of Wolf Blitzer would never shut up, ever. Supporters of the plan promised that within days the Afghan population would be drooling and completely compliant with the imposition of American-style democracy. Taliban fighters would drop their arms and surrender, assuming they hadn’t already scratched their faces off.

Target Bombs. Not carpet bombs, not targeted bombs, but Target bombs. This plan called for Target stores from North America to be airlifted in one piece, through spectacular displays of military engineering and Air Force prowess, and dropped on enemy strongholds in Afghanistan. The enormous balls on this tactic were predicted to teabag legions of Taliban fighters to dust, ending the war within a month. But Obama said no.