Birther Movement Makes Reasonable People Hate Themselves and Want to Die

Washington, DC—Odd as this may seem to some, the “birther movement,” a collection of conspiracy theories based on claims that President Obama was born in Kenya, has made progress into mainstream media outlets in recent weeks. The theories’ proponents, known as “birthers,” say the President has not produced a valid Hawaiian birth certificate. Because of this, birthers claim, Barack Obama is not a citizen of the United States and is therefore ineligible to be President. For more than a year the birthers have attempted to substantiate their claims by mining a never-ending quarry of hypothetical crap.

While the birther movement has long been a hot issue for the craziest wing of the GOP, in recent weeks less insane politicians and media personalities have encouraged the birthers’ claims. The increased momentum has led to spikes in both media coverage and suicidal longing among people with reasonable intelligence.

“We’re seeing two basic reactions to the birther movement right now,” notes Selinda Harthbanger, a professor of media studies at the University of Phoenix. “The first reaction is that more people are learning about the supposed controversy. And the second is that normal people increasingly want to shoot themselves in the face.”

Professor Harthbanger based her comments on the results of two surveys her research team conducted on the topic. In the first survey, conducted in July 2008, only one-third of “reasonable respondents” knew anything about the controversy. That survey found only a handful of respondents were bothered by the issue to any serious degree.

In contrast, a second survey just released by Harthbanger’s team found twice as many reasonable respondents knew about the controversy in July 2009. Nearly a quarter of those people told researchers that the birther movement makes them crave their own death.

“We were shocked,” admitted Harthbanger. “One gentleman said every time he hears Lou Dobbs or Alan Keyes talking about birth certificates he wants to ‘stab himself in the eyes after taking a bath in battery acid.’ In another case, a young woman told us she had recently viewed video from a town hall meeting that was crawling with birthers. She claimed the footage made her want to ‘swallow a nuclear warhead.’”

“You just can’t help but feel sympathy for reasonable citizens,” added Harthbanger. “Many of them are in a lot of pain right now.”

It’s unclear how much energy and attention the birther movement has yet to attract. But Harthbanger said the recent uptick in news coverage makes certain that more reasonable people will discover the story over the next few months. She said it is “highly likely” that a portion of these people will turn their frustrations on themselves in potentially dangerous ways.

Harthbanger’s research team is eager to chart ongoing reaction to the birther movement, but investigators acknowledge that collecting survey data from the most vulnerable respondents can be challenging.

“You worry about people,” said Gordon Myers, a professor who works alongside Harthbanger. “You want to stay objective, but you’re human, so you worry about the young man who said birthers make him long to do a header into a swimming pool full of chloroform. You worry about the woman who said the birthers at her office make her wish she were tied to a copying machine at the bottom of the ocean. And how could you not worry about the lawyer who told us that birthers make him want to ‘run out and kiss the face of an oncoming express train’?”

“But at the end of the day you have to stay focused,” Myers concluded. “We’re considering doing a third survey by the end of the year, and we can’t let our emotions get in the way.”

Prominent birthers could easily be reached for comment, but we didn’t bother. As late as this afternoon two birthers spokespersons claimed the University of Phoenix is hiding the truth about Barack Obama’s birth certificate.