Nancy Pelosi Has Twelve Things to Do Today

1. Wake up after dreaming of passing a landmark lefty program known as The Bunnies and Rainbows and Unicorns Act, guaranteeing perfection for all persons of all colors and backgrounds, now and forever.
2. Start the workday off right: Watch videos of herself standing and clapping like a lunatic during President Obama’s first major speech to Congress. Take notes on style and strategize with aides on how to look more repellent next time.
3. Put the finishing touches on her 10-Point Plan to Annihilate Traditional Marriage and Freedom and NASCAR. File away for a rainy day.
4. Set the DVR in her office to record Fox News’ wall-to-wall coverage of how awful she is for having been a spineless leader of a minority party while those in control authorized a torture program and lied about it repeatedly.
5. Receive a call from White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. Rap fingers in an annoyed fashion on her desk for two minutes. Finally interrupt, “Look Bambi, I don’t care one bit about what it looks like to you clowns over there, and I will not be manipulated. Get this through your head: Nancy Pelosi is running the show over here. You can tell Panetta to stick it. And while you’re on the line, let’s be clear that if Nancy Pelosi wants catered morning meetings and a personal make-up artist, Nancy Pelosi gets them.”
6. Call Limbaugh’s office. Ask secretary to tell Rush his “fat boy” pills are ready for pick up, that priapism isn’t likely to occur this time, and that Nancy said he should enjoy his trip to Bangkok.
7. Feel dizzy after lunch. Try to tamp down ongoing romantic longings for Donald Rumsfeld. Bite fingernails and wait out resultant anxiety attack.
8. Assign aide to draft a prank e-mail to Glenn Beck, to be sent under the guise that its author is a disgruntled former Pelosi staffer. The note will leak details of “Pelosi’s real agenda,” such as her interest in bankrupting America’s “middle-class losers” in sweeping legislation that “taxes them into dust, once and for all.” The e-mail will explain that one proposal includes plans to eliminate all child and homeowner tax credits, roll back price breaks on prescription drugs for seniors, and institute a “Bible tax.”
9. Set DVR to record Glenn Beck.
10. Attend briefings and staff meetings late into the afternoon. Find new ways to complicate matters and slow progress while maintaining characteristic arrogance. At no point consider her role in enabling the catastrophes of the previous administration.
11. Meet John McCain at a Washington cocktail party after dark. Slip into a backroom with him to shotgun three beers, exchange devastating insults, and arm wrestle. Suffer a wrist sprain and lose two out of three. Loudly proclaim, “This war ain’t over, and don’t you forget it, bitch.”
12. Head back to the office with half a buzz on. Consider pulling an all-nighter, shocking her staff by making headway on a pile of outstanding items. Get lost on YouTube instead. Watch clips of Dean Martin until after midnight, eventually dozing off to the sound of applause.