Fighting Erupts Early in This Year’s War on Christmas

November Battles Unusually Fierce

America—Fighting broke out today in the war on Christmas, ushering in some of the earliest and fiercest violence the annual conflict has yet produced. Battles between extremist Christians and the supporters of Happy Holidays raged at retail stores and produced heavy casualties across the nation. Longtime observers of the conflict say the intense nature of the fighting foreshadows a grim December.

In Little Rock, AK, armed supporters of the Christian holiday executed an early morning attack on a Target store. The militants set up a blockade in the store’s parking lot and launched flaming crosses onto the roof and through the building’s entrance doors. Christmas commandos attempted to storm the retail space but were driven back by Target team members and customers. The defenders then mounted a vigorous counter attack using a dizzying array of the merchandise at hand. Eventually the Christians’ blockade was broken by baseball-bat wielding cashiers and a steady volley of butcher knives, flatware, and glass.

Christians’ role in sparking today’s clashes fit well-established patterns in the war. The extremists have long accused Target and other department store chains of taking orders from power brokers in the national media, figures the Christians regard as nihilists who are responsible for marginalizing Christmas and fueling the Happy Holidays insurgency. Unsurprisingly, battles raged today at a variety of department and specialty stores in as many as 17 states, including Toys R Us, K-Mart, and Bed Bath & Beyond.

Reports from the fighting suggest nearly all retail stores defended themselves sufficiently against their Christian aggressors, but at least one Borders location in Pennsylvania was captured. Christian soldiers wasted no time in covering the storefront with a handmade banner that read, “Merry Christmas! We Love You Jesus!”

By noon officials representing a loose network of Happy Holidays battalions conceded that the assaults were doubtless the result of a coordinated offensive. These groups reiterated their long-held view that the Christian attacks are a misdirected reaction to the burgeoning presence of nonspecific seasonal decorations in the weeks prior to Thanksgiving.

Signs that today’s fighting was more explosive than previous November clashes were clear by late morning, when hundreds of wounded fighters and bystanders began streaming into hospitals close to the war zones. As in previous years, medical personnel kept soldiers from differing armies in separate areas in an attempt to avoid violent flare-ups. This practice worked well in the majority of involved hospitals, but a few played host to chaotic scenes.

In Columbus, OH, a riot broke out in an emergency room after a unit of Red Christian Guards became incensed over decorations that acknowledge the existence of Kwanza. Riot Police were summoned to quell the resulting violence, which claimed the lives of three hospital patients unaffiliated with the warring parties.

By nightfall in most war zones, however, much of the fighting had given way to an eerie silence. But residents and officials braced for a second wave of fighting that could begin at any time. Informal polls conducted in key communities suggested that overwhelming margins of citizens expect more violence. Many of those polled expressed worry about looming and large-scale destruction, as well as the possibility that the fighting will expand beyond the retail front as it has in previous years.

Indeed, memories of Christmas past provide justification for these popular worries. While Christmas maintains a perfect record of survival, the wreckage and mayhem caused by its “preemptive defense” have increased steadily from year to year. State and local budgets are continually busted, public resources of all kinds are stretched thin, and lives are changed irrevocably. The federal government is often loathe to step in and provide much more than emergency funding for the wounded, and this year’s economic climate indicates an even slimmer response.

By day’s end, little was clear about this year’s war on Christmas beyond the severity of its first day. Spokespersons from the major factions offered only generic promises to remain vigilant. Government officials from affected areas monitored the situation closely and urged residents to remain calm. As of Friday, no city had released plans for mass evacuations or other large-scale emergency measures.