Body and Mind: Introducing the ATLS Health Series

Not too long ago we were tossing ideas around at one of our infrequent editorial meetings. There’s no way to describe our general mood that day as anything but bitchy. After a few beers we actually had to separate a couple of correspondents whose disagreement about the value of Twitter turned into a wrestling match that upset a table and destroyed a computer monitor.

After we cleaned up the mess and pledged to hold future meetings at the bar, we realized we’ve all been stressed out lately. And then it hit us: Why not take heed to President Obama’s call to public service by developing a free brochure on stress management? We can’t be the only ones feeling frazzled in these tough times. Why not lend a hand?

So it is with pleasure that we introduce the first piece in what we hope will be an ongoing health series from Affirming the Least Sincere. You’re welcome.


Stress: A Guide for Adults

Do you ever feel like life’s getting too crazy? Does it feel like things never slow down? Do you ever fantasize about throwing your coffee mug into the refrigerator just to watch it explode?

If you said yes to these questions, you might be experiencing stress—a deadly disease you are powerless to stop.

Let’s Talk About Stress
So what is stress, exactly? Good question. Stress is your body’s natural reaction to the crap that happens to you. During stressful situations, your body pumps adrenaline and other chemicals with big names into your system. This way you have the energy to run away from that car you just crashed or knock out the douche who just sucker-punched you at the bar. You don’t even have to think about it. Isn’t that awesome?

Unfortunately, not everyone’s body handles stress so efficiently. Stress can make some people sick and unbearable. They’ll be standing in line at Starbucks and completely lose their shit for no reason. They’ll take your head off for saying hello or asking for the time. After a few weeks of this, everyday life can get pretty terrible for these unlucky saps. They lose sleep, perform poorly at work, blah, blah, blah.

People with these problems are weak. Maybe you’re weak too. Ever considered that?

How Do I Know When I’m Stressed?
You might think it’s easy to know when you’re stressed. That might be true for some people, but not for everyone. The truth is it can be hard to tell. You may not realize you’re under pressure until after you’ve torched your front lawn.

Take the “Stress Test”
Take a minute to evaluate how things are going in your life. Think about your home life, your job, your drug problem, your gambling addiction, and other important parts of who you are. Thinking it all over might help you realize how terrific you are. But you might also realize that you face a number of tough challenges. If so, step back and ask yourself if these hurdles affect you in negative ways. Are you sleepless? Are you having trouble eating? Do you “snap” at everyone? Are you convinced you need to finish that case of beer before bed?

If you answered yes to these questions, you might be stressed. Think about calling a doctor or whoever deals with that kind of thing. Not sure who that would be. In any case, before you take your first steps toward help, you need to know the following facts about stress:

• You probably got stressed because you did something wrong.
• If you think your stress is bad, that means it’s horrible. Always multiply perceived stress levels in overly dramatic ways.
• Sometimes stress tricks you by pretending to be happiness and calm. So even when things are fine, they’re not.
• There’s nothing you can do about it.
• You will probably be stressed out forever.

How Should I Deal With Stress?
Everybody has an opinion about how to handle stress. Your doctor, your family, and your friends will all give you advice. Even your coworkers will chime in (assuming you haven’t been fired yet). Some of what they say may be helpful. But most of what they say is just the usual psychobabble. Look at me! I’m so perfect! You should turn off the TV and turn up the yoga!

Listening to all this crap might be confusing—and not just because you’re a basket case. Plus, it won’t take long until you’ll want to punch every cheery, tip-wielding whack-job in the face for offering you nonsense. Unfortunately, this desire only compounds your stress.

Still, the fact remains that you need to do something to better manage your stress. Consider trying some of these strategies:

• Drink heavily and chain smoke.
• Practice passive-aggressive behavior.
• Take a nice walk around the park.
• Systematically undermine your coworkers.
• Two words: bong hits.
• Take a deep breath and count to 10.
• Break things.
• Buy everything in sight.
• Drive as if you’re the only person who has a place to be.
• Jog frequently or take scenic bike rides. Some people say they handle stress better when they get plenty of exercise. Whatever.

Why Do I Feel Like I’m the Only Person With Stress?
Because you’re a megalomaniac? What is it with you?

Someone I Care About Is Stressed. What Should I Do?
First, be happy you’re not the person who’s losing it. Second, don’t get sucked into his or her world of pain. Third, take a minute to update your Netflix queue since you can’t expect your tweaked-out spouse/partner/roommate to do it correctly. Fourth, steer clear of that person.

You Don’t Understand. I’m Obligated to Help This Person.
You may be a part of a family or social circle that will not allow you to sit on the sidelines while someone you care about suffers. You may feel pressure to act from members of this group. This is called guilt hammering, and experts say it’s the primary reason people get involved in a loved-one’s problems.

There is little defense for the guilt hammer. Studies show people who get “the hammer” do better when they engage carefully and swiftly. If you get hammered, try these simple tips to help yourself while helping your stressed-out loved one:

• Thoroughly criticize your loved one’s faults. How can anyone get better without a full understanding?
• Make your home a peaceful retreat. Fill the air with incense and hard rock music. Stock it to the rafters with intoxicants. Install strobe lights.
• If your loved one is working under a lot of deadlines at work, ask him or her to pick up the dry cleaning on the way home. You’ve had a long week.
• Encourage him or her to keep fighting with everything they’ve got. No falling down. No giving up. No peace for losers.

I Want to Talk to a Professional. How Do I Contact Someone?
Do not contact us. We cannot help you. We have our own problems. However, if you Google “stress” and throw in some related terms, something will probably pop up. Must you always have your hand held?

Resources for More Information
Check out these sources for more helpful information on coping with stress.

• Target
• VH1
• Big Bird
• The O'Reilly Factor
• Your State’s Motor Vehicle Association

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BAM Health Series—01
2009