War on Christmas Continues to Rage

Like many of you, we’ve been saddened to see the war on Christmas spiraling out of control yet again. We made the decision last week not to put our own reporters on the story, since even cursory glances at headlines from across the country suggest the war is pretty well covered. But in case you haven’t seen them, we’ve pasted just a few of this weekend’s headlines below. Here’s hoping the nonsense stops soon. Peace.

• Mass Slayings in Austin as War on Christmas Enters Third Week
• War on Christmas a Double Whammy for Hurricane Survivors
• Militant Christians Mar War Effort With High Rates of Friendly Fire
• Department Store Santa Clause Kidnapped in Alabama
• Latte-Drinking Sophisticates Trampled in “Christmas Is for Christ” Stampede
• Headless Elves Along Parkway Shock Morning Commuters
• Walmart-Brokered Peace Talks Collapse After Twelve Days
• Orphaned by War, Thousands of Children Fail to Compose Letters to Santa
• California’s Christian Soldiers Open Surprise Offensive Against Proposition 8 Protesters
• Starbucks Claims “Shooting-Spree Barista” Planted by “Christmas Sleeper Cell”
• Happy Holidays Insurgents Unsure Why Christians Have to Be So Goddamn Violent All the Time