Sounding Off: Obama Hasn’t Fixed Anything Yet

We’re all familiar with the problems: The economy is puking its guts out. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan carry on unchanged. Our emaciated newspapers tell us every day how many more thousands of people will be losing their jobs within the hour. The planet is heating up. Burger King’s Angry Whopper sandwich epitomizes modern existential dread so perfectly that at least one person in this office has become frightened of the television. The list goes on and on.

One week after his historic inauguration, President Obama has failed to fix any of the formidable problems facing the United States, including everything Republicans obliterated during their 8 years in power. While this should be surprising to no one, we’ve nonetheless been flooded with e-mails from disappointed Americans expressing outrage at the Obama administration for its perceived failures. The litany of complaints is spectacular, with people blaming the new president for everything from obesity to overdrawn checking accounts.

You may be confused about why ATLS has received so much of this mail. If so, join the club. The majority of our readers are sharp, upstanding citizens. They don’t buy bridges or take any shit. So how we’ve become a go-to spot for the insane ramblings of the most ignorant angels of our nature is a mystery to everyone here. Nearest we can figure, one of our many enemies is surreptitiously directing the lesser-minded to our inboxes as if we’re some sort of Obama customer service center. Below are snippets from a few of our favorite messages. Enjoy.

…if Obama cares he would kick kara dioguardi off the show now and put it back to THE ORIGINAL line up (with just simon, paula, and randy) but i guess America was duped again just like with Clinton. dumbasses.
—BigFan71

...so you can see we were pretty excited to open our 401 papers after he was elected but when we did our account had lost 34 percent of it’s total value which just goes to show Obama doesnt care about our money any more than Bush did, and Don’t get me started about how none of the houses on my block have sold since the election!
—Paula Brown, Ft. Lauderdale, FL

Rush said just a few days ago that all these Obama people are trying to make us bend over and grab our ankles, and I’d say he’s right! You ever notice how it’s always people like Obama and his disciples who are the first to cry racism? Don’t you think that’s a little convenient? Don’t you think calling out imaginary boogey men makes a good cover for releasing real Guantanamo terrorists onto U.S. soil?
—Bob, York, PA

To say those of us at Code Pink are disappointed would be a great understatement.
—Anonymous

…and what happens? Surprise! His first television interview is for Arabs, exactly like the Reverend said it would be, selling America to the freaks who want to marry the gay weddings. Oh what a dupe job for the ages! What a con the star crazy Americans fell for thanks to the media force feeding it on a spoon! Well I’m not surprised at all and I’m telling you freedom-loving Americans won’t put up with this bull#@*! for long.
—John, Savage, MD

I just think “angry whopper” is a stupid thing to call it because it’s not even that hot. A few peppers and some hot cheese. Big whoop. I’ve had spicier Doritos. Oh, and newsflash…burger meat isn’t spicy! The more these over-blown, over-hyped, sub-par sandwich offerings come out, the more I look forward to those feedbags I’ve been hearing about. And to think I waited two extra weeks to taste this dumb thing because our local Burger King is ALWAYS LATE WITH EVERYTHING. I hate Idaho.
—Mike Peters, Boise, ID