AIG Executives Eat Bailout Money, Spark Uproar

New York—America was completely fucking outraged today when AIG executives called a press conference and proceeded to eat more than $100 million in bailout money supplied by the U.S. Treasury. More than 250 executives plunged their faces into a gold-plated trough filled with cash and gorged themselves until they vomited and passed out.

Reaction to AIG’s punk rock move was explosive. Americans from all walks of life were super pissed. Politicians railed to the media, the media railed to themselves, citizens spit forth torrents of jumbled hyperbole, pet dogs sprayed diarrhea with abandon on their owners’ rugs, and trees fell on cars and power lines without warning.

On Capitol Hill, Congressman Barney Frank was one of many legislators to express unfiltered outrage at the AIG executives. Complaining to a group of reporters about the scandalous cash feast, Rep. Frank let spittle fly as he shouted, “Dar! Dar! Dar! Taxpayers! Taxpayers! Dar! Dar! Dar!”

Later in the day, President Obama joined the bitch session. In a hastily arranged press conference on the White House lawn, Mr. Obama called the AIG stunt “disgusting” and “outrageous.” The President pledged to make even more harsh statements throughout the coming week.

One of the brightest displays of American fury occurred during the Fox News program The O’Reilly Factor. Shortly after the show began, popular host Bill O’Reilly lost his mind and lambasted the “monsters” at AIG. He then referred to President Obama as “that spineless, far-left babypants in the White House who was too scared to stop this mess.”

Mr. O’Reilly became so enraged that he demolished the show’s set with an axe. Guests Karl Rove and Ari Fleischer fled as O’Reilly unleashed his anger and annihilated nearby objects, turning the floor around his feet into a mess of splinters, jagged metal, plastic, and glass. The violent scene ended when fellow Fox News personality Sean Hannity intervened to calm Mr. O’Reilly, who soon offered a tearful apology to viewers.

Despite the intense anger from so many Americans, AIG made no attempt to dampen tempers as the day wore on. To the contrary, this afternoon the company released an aggressive statement that taunted the nation and demanded “less crying, more cash.”

“Ate all your Bozo Bucks,” the statement read. “Need more asap for big important sexy party. Don’t ask.”

By nightfall hundreds of protesters had gathered outside AIG headquarters in New York City. Fuming but nonviolent, the picketers shouted chants such as “Give it back!” and “Money isn’t pig food!”

“It just makes you so sick,” said Donald Tartenfunk, an unemployed music teacher who has not filed an income tax return in 5 years. “They’re in there eating our children’s futures. They’re lighting their cigars with $100 bills. That money was supposed to create jobs. We want it back!”

Protests are expected to last throughout the weekend, or until everyone would rather go home or hit Starbucks.

At press time there was no word from the Treasury Department or the White House on how the government would angrily placate AIG’s latest demands. Said one anonymous Treasury official, “We just need to take the weekend and get some rest. Check back with us on Monday. By then we’ll have a better idea what our next fumble will look like.”